And the story moves..........

It was a sunny day as they set off.  Bill and Rosey had been having what Bill described as a ‘difficult time’.  Their relationship was teetering on the break down and although obvious to all and sundry that they were not going to last Bill was determined to make it work,  his last ray of hope was Hank’s latest conquest.  Pashmina was a doctor, an SHO that had recently joined the ward and they had hit it off from the word go.  It had been three weeks and the girl was still interested and more to the point so was Hank. 

Hank still felt he had some kind of paternal responsibility to Bill, he had been a nursing and navy mentor since the early days and still had some sense of accountability towards Bill for his welfare.  Especially now that he was going for his commission.  More so because he was worried that their drinking exploits would get him into trouble.  He was thinking that if he started making Bill behave then he would be less likely to get into trouble himself.

And so they planned a weekend away, together, the four of them, at the lake district.  A time for respective partners to meet and, hopefully, become friends, and so allow the two of them to still have some semblance of their individual, friendship.

The two guys riding shot gun with the girls in the back, so they would have to talk and hopefully get on.  Hank and Bill had even bought a CD ‘summertime Boy Bands’ which was that years latest appeal at prepubescent girls pop music that all girls love.  The track was playing boys for fun- I want to love your loving love, a song that they knew both girls liked so they hoped it would set the right mood.

“Tab fella?” as Hank passed a cigarette.

“Cheers fella, so how’s things going at officer class?”

“MINI” shouted Hank.

“Bastard” Bill wound down the window and inhaled on the tab.

“it’s a load of shite fella,  it’s wrong on every level.”

“on each and every level?”

“On each an….”

“Mini.” Bill interrupted.

“Cunt.” Hank sharply retorted.

“Hankie” said pashmina, “Don’t say that, you know I don’t like you saying language like that.”

Bill swore under his breath and mumbled “ what fucking English”.  He hadn’t realised he had said it but was grateful no-one else had either.

“Oh Pash I’m the same”  Rosey had said “ I am so embarrassed by Bill and his language”

And the two of them knew their work was done, for the next two hours the two girls commenced on a vitriolic conversation about both their men’s poor and diabolical use of the English language.

They sat very pleased with themselves and yet amazed that the two of them had achieved in ten minutes, what they both thought would take the whole weekend.

They arrived at the cottage and the girls where loving it.  It was what holiday brochures described as picturesque.  As far as the lads where concerned they where seen off.  It was in the middle of nowhere. The nearest village, more importantly the nearest pub was two miles away, something the girls were happy with but Hank and Bill thought was a travesty against humanity.  They had already achieved the point of the trip.  The girls were now best of friends and more so had now started comparing their respective bad points to each other, they were amazed at how the both of them were equally bad at every aspect of their relationship - their level of commitment, their drinking, their lack of respect.  It became rapidly obvious that the guys plan to make them get along had backfired. They now had teamed up against them. It first became apparent from the mini game.  Ever since they had first became friends they had played a game in the car about how many mini’s they had spotted.  A harmless game in itself.  But the girls took offence at the way the two guys played it.  Especially in the way they expressed their dismay at Bristol.

They had been driving for two hours, occasionally shouting ‘Mini’ at each other, the girls not knowing why. Until they explained the rules and so the girls then wanted to join in.  that was when Bill noticed in the oncoming traffic a mini being towed by a rescue truck.

“Mini” he said.

“Oh look a mini”, said pasmina,” on the back of that truck, does that count?”

“no you dozy fucker, it may have counted in fucking India but I said it first so there.”.  the car was quiet for the rest of the journey.

When they unpacked the car the two girls, out of shame stormed up to the bedrooms, rosey said to Bill “your sleeping on the couch tonight”

“ah fuck that.” Said Bill “ Coming to the pub fella?”

Hank looked at Bill, heard patinas sobs upstairs and for a moment wasn’t sure what to do.  Sure Bill was his mate, but pash was his bird.  He’d known Bill, and if he said no, he would understand. Pash was a delicate girl, probably wanted Hank to listen to her, hold her, let her cry on his shoulder about how insensitive his so called best mate was.  It would probably be a long night together.

“Yeah fuck it” He said.

They walked into the quiet pub, it was teatime and the pub was quiet.  Only a few locals were sat in there.  They were used to strangers, tourist, coming into their pub and so had no animosity at first.  It was only when the two of them had ordered their drinks and started talking that a few of the older gentlemen started expressing their disgust.

“oh for fucks sake mate, I know you like hrtband all but shite the bed.  She’s a stuck up cunt”  Bill was not being quiet.

“like yours is the holy fucking mother, look how she treated you with your cock problem, sorry to bring up bad news mate but the girl didn’t give a fuck.  Speaking of which she doesn’t give much of a fuck and I should know.  Jeez mate I’ve shagged tins of dog food that where more meaty.”

“wow wow, easy fella”  Bill, despite his anger still felt he had to defend his woman.” mate we came here to sort out our women.”

“yeah I know but where has it got us mate,  they now are probably slagging us off to each other right now and working at ways to stop us being what we are.”

“what? Cunts?” Bill chortled.

“well yeah fair one, but no. we planned this so we could still go on the piss with the two of them being mates as well.  That has fucked up coz they are now hating us and wanting us to stop going on the piss.”

“mate, look you know me and rosey have had snags, you and gunga din haven’t been getting on either.  What will it take.  Lets face it, we’ve been nothing but honest with the fuckers, they knew what we were like.  Let’s face it.It aint working.”

Hank looked at Bill.  He knew all along that rosey was not right for him,  but he now had pashmina,  if Bill left rosey now, that they were both friends, it would make the entire weekend a disaster.

“Bill, Mate, I’ll be honest with you, I have never liked Rosey.  She is wrong on each and every level.  So I think you are right to leave her.  However, I’ve come up here with this pashmina bird, and although I’ve rapidly gone off her, this will be a fucking awful weekend if we stay and you and rosey split.  And what about the journey back?”

“What the fuck are you on?”  Said Bill,”We’ll just drive back now without them, fuck em.”

It could be said that they had reacted rashly, or as they looked at it, instinctively.  They had a few beers in a strange pub in the middle of nowhere. Nothing unusual there.  But they knew that the only refuge they had was a cottage two miles away.  Hank’s usual weekly allowance of walking distance.  And however far the destination, despite the warm and balmy summer evening they were sure of a frosty reception.

Better late than never

“If you want mate but I think they do cash back behind the bar I think.  Hang on a minute.”  Bill stood up and spoke to the barmaid.  “Hank your in luck, they can do cash back up to £50 with drinks over a fiver”.

“Right. Cheers mate.  Sorted.  Two pints it is then.”

  As he sat down, Bill spoke,

“All I’m saying is mate, these trips don’t happen often, when they do they are so worth it.  Costs us fuck all and we get to spend the day fishing in the sun and it counts as work.  Now a little dickey bird tells me that a few of these guys like booking these things abroad every so often and so it won’t hurt to keep on their good sides to  cash in on the real trips.”

“ah fair one.  So what’s the plan for tomorrow then?”

“Well there is nine of us and three boats so we’re going to have to sort out who goes on what, head out to the best fishing ground,  stay out come back  then  have a few beers and do the same again the day after.”

“so what time does it all kick off then?”

Bill should have known Hanks response.  “Four o’clock in the morning, fuck that for a laugh”

And that was why Bill was sat on a boat sipping gin with a rear admiral in the middle of the English channel.  At first they kept to opposites sides of the boat saying nothing to each other.  Although Bill wasn’t much of a sea fisherman he new enough to be able to lie and exaggerate.  It started off with the little odd comments here and there about bait and lines and equipment, the admiral sidling up closer to benefit from the young sailors apparent experience in nautical fishing matters.  As the old boys questions became more and more in depth, Bill started waffling about everything from aquatic sea life in the area to the old customs of ancient Cornish fisherman.  All complete bull shit but the bloke was believing everything he was saying.  Which was surprising considering they hadn’t caught a single fish.

“Thought you said this particular area was susceptible to the bread soaked in lager method Bill”

“It is sir, but it’s all about tide and time sir.  Depends which way the water is flowing, where the sun is in the sky and whether the surface temperature is just right.  It’s not just the tricks sir, it’s when to use them.” 

“Ah yes well they do say time and tide waits for no man eh”  The old man chuckled at his wit.  Bill ignored him.  “Well Bill even the padre isn’t having any luck,  I would have thought a man as pious as he would have had the odd miracle or two today.”

It was then that the old boys line went taught, then the rod started to bend almost completely over ,  Bill rushed over to help and grabbed the rod with him and helped to keep the rod in the boat.

“Jesus H Christ it weighs a ton.”  Bill said as they struggled to heave the aquatic beast from the ocean depths.

The admiral glance at him, with a frown, “Don’t let the padre hear you say that,  I don’t take kindly to profanities myself.”

“Fuck profanities you old tossed and start heaving” Bill thought. “sorry” he said.

After five minutes of struggle the fish was hauled on board and in the excitement, Bill forgot himself and exclaimed, “Look at the size of the fucker”.

“LNN Mason”, the admiral shouted as he got to his feet.  “ I will not warn you about such language again.”

Bill thought quickly and got to his feet and said “ No you don’t understand sir,  this is what they call this fish in these parts.  A fucker fish.  It’s old Cornish apparently.

“Oh is it?  Well I never, I apologise for my outburst.”  The admiral waved over to the other boats to come along side.  As the two boats approached, neither having caught any fish, the admiral shouted “ Have you seen the size of this fucker?”.

The padre looked up from the back of his boat, “Nigel!, I hardly think there’s call for that kind of language,  especially  in front of the young lad there.

The admiral went on to explain, as if he spoke fluent Cornish that the fish was in deed called as such.  Bill felt himself a warm glow when the Padre, on hearing the explanation then said,

“Oh really, I never knew that.  Well Nigel as you’ve caught such a fine specimen.  Allow our boat the privilege of cooking the fucker.”

With that the other boats occupants, not wanting to be left out wanted to gut the fucker, and all were looking forward to eating the fucker when they got back.

Bill was amazed at his self restraint.  But then was worried about Hanks.  He needed to warn him about his swearing or else future trips would be in jeopardy.

As it turned out he didn’t need to say anything,  Hank wasn’t in when they got back and as the other boys all went off to shower and prepare the fish, Bill got the phone number of the pub and called to tell him to come home for tea.

“Hello,  Anglers rest inn”

“Hi I’m looking for my mate, you haven’t by any chance got a drunk Irish man in there have you?”

“Don’t think so, what’s he look like boy?”

“Well is there anyone unconscious, or singing songs?”

“Nope”

“Oh okay, thanks”

Bill hung up the phone and was a little bit concerned.  He was even more concerned when the door opened and in walked Hank.  Sober.

“Are you alright mate?”  Bill barely concealed the concern and incredulity in his voice at Hanks vertical condition.

“yeah, I’m fine.  Just been to the shops, got some wine for tonight, and some bacon for tomorrow.Early start and all that.”

“Oh, so you’re coming tomorrow then?”

“Well mate it’s like you said, mind the occasional  P and Q and look keen then we’re sure to get the decent trips.  It’s a sacrifice I’m prepared to pay for ripping pusser off for a piss up in the Caribbean.”

“Oh hang on mate, I never said anything about the Caribbean.”

“well where ever.  A jolly is a jolly and it’s worth a bit of best behaviour anyway.”

So they behaved themselves.  The padre cooked a fine meal, they both  went easy on the wine and looked like they enjoyed the company  and conversation.  The evening was going well they thought as they sat around the fire with a glass of whiskey.

“well Padre that was a fine meal.  a nice piece of fish.  What was that sauce you used?” asked Hank with apparent earnest.

“Lemon and dill, the trick in cooking fish is not to over cook it.  Otherwise its too dry.”

“Ah sure, big enough fish as well good effort on landing it.” Hank was sounding so sincere, it was unnerving to Bill.

“ah no I didn’t catch it .  In fact it was the only fish all of us caught on the day.  And it was only thanks to Bill’s expertise that Nigel caught the Fucker.”

“Yes but Padre”, said  Nigel “You cooked the Fucker to perfection.”

“Hey don’t take all the credit,” Said the captain from the third boat, “It was Arthur and me that gutted the fucker.”

Hank looked at them all, took a swig from his whiskey, and said “ You know something, you cunts are alright.”