It improves.....honestly

In the meantime Bill had not been idle. Despite being a bit cheesed off at Hank for crashing his car he nevertheless watched the change in his friend with awe and was pleased when he got promoted, although he was just a little put out when Hank insisted on being called PO all the time. He was also displeased at having his best mate put him on a charge for being five minutes late for work but supposed that Hank had his best intentions at heart. Life at home was going alright and Rosey seemed fairly happy. She was still a little perturbed that sex had to include Bill phoning Hank on his mobile and putting it on speaker so that instructions could be given and was even more concerned when Hank gave them a computer with web cam so he could get a clearer picture of what was going on and give more detailed advice over the speakers. The mortgage was pretty crippling and they didn’t have much of a social life just quiet nights  in watching TV. The LRCC was a bloody nightmare. He barely scraped a pass in both his presentations as he had done no preparation. The physical aspects of the course nearly killed him. He managed to pass the fitness test on the first day but everything else was a bit of a struggle. As for the Black Mountains; he had 2 hours sleep in 3 days, blisters the size of eggs and webbing burns on his shoulders, back and chest. It took him months to recover, they must have changed the course since Hank had done it. Anyway he scraped a pass and returned home to find that Rosey had got a job. Nothing great, just a post as an office junior but it was extra money coming in and that allowed them to start planning for a social life. Things were indeed looking up.

Her new job was in a solicitors office and with the job came a sense of purpose and strengthening of character. The first changes happened at home. She insisted that the computer and web cam were removed from the bedroom and although she missed the physical intimacy the house seemed more of a home than it had been. She started to take the lead in the bedroom department, which was still causing some difficulty but she was sure that it would work out in the end. When she found a stash of porn under the stairs it went straight in the bin along with a gimp mask and some whips. Being able to afford new clothes for the first time in years Rosey rapidly became a new woman, her gym membership helping to add to the transformation. The staff at the solicitors office had a full and fun social itinerary and she soon joined in quickly making new friends and enjoying life to the full. One of the partners had taken a shine to her and they became inseparable, she could confide anything to her new friend Clare. So it was that in the pub one night Rosey was bewailing her lack of satisfaction in the bedroom and her partners inability to satisfy her. Clare moved in closer and put her hand on Rosey’s arm. She explained that she had had similar problems in the past and that it was a painful experience that no one should go through alone. It was best to share these feelings, to get them off your chest. So the whole sordid story came out, how Hank had to at least shout instructions to them both and occasionally had to interfere in a physical manner to show them both what they were doing wrong. Some of the things had seemed quite unnatural at the time but she had went along with them as she had little experience of sex and was keen to please. Bill was trying his best but it wasn’t enough, she had a huge gaping need that just couldn’t be filled and she thought that she must be in some way abnormal.

Clares hand tightened around her arm and she was close to tears. What Clare had to say did not make comfortable listening. She was being used as a sex toy by her partners friend and her partner must almost certainly be aware of this. Woman had been treated like this since the time of Adam and there was no need to stand for it any longer, it was time to be strong. Rosey would have to leave Bill.

She ran from the pub crying, no way could she or should she leave him. They had bought a house, got engaged, they loved each other after all. When she got home he was on the computer but quickly shut down when he heard her key in the lock. One look was enough for Bill to know that something was wrong and he was fairly sure he knew what it was;

“Listen love, I know that I have been letting you down recently but it will be OK. I have an action plan and for the sake of our future I am determined to carry it out. I cant give you the details at the moment but by next Tuesday it will all be fine, I promise.”

“Has Hank got any say in this plan?” she asked nervously.

“No its all my idea, I’m doing it for you, for us”

They set off up stairs arm in arm, Rosey with a sense that things really were going to change and Bill with his mobiles ear piece firmly in place and Hanks number on speed dial. The days passed and things did seem to be improving and before she knew it, it was Monday and Bill was packing an overnight bag.

“Now don’t you worry, I will be back by 17:00 tomorrow and all our problems will be over. I really do love you , you do know that don’t you?”.

“I wish I knew what you were doing but I do trust you and yes I know you love me. Whatever it is just be careful, I cant wait until tomorrow.”

Kissing her goodbye Bill got into the waiting taxi and asked to be taken to the Bratwurst clinic. On arrival, excited at the prospect of what he was doing he nervously waited in a consulting room for his last counselling session.

The smiling Indian surgeon entered the room with a flourish, shaking Bills hand and taking a seat. He briefly scanned the patient notes in front of him and turned to face his patient;

“So, do you think that you are ready to proceed. Is it really what you want and what your partner want?”.

“Oh yes, I am ready alright, I just cant wait to get it all over and done with. It will make such a difference to both our lives. I am ready to sign the consent form right away.”

“Alright, so I have explained all the risks to you. We have decided on how much, you have had your work up and all counselling is complete, yes? So just to reaffirm you want the 7 option and understand what the procedure involves?”.

“Yes, everything is perfectly clear.”

“OK sign the form and we will get you ready for theatre. This procedure normally takes no more than 20 minutes.”

A very attractive young nurse showed Bill to his room. The whole thing was costing a fortune but what could you expect from a brand new cutting edge procedure such as this. All those hours trawling the internet were about to pay off in the next couple of hours. He had his bath and lay back in the comfortable bed and swallowed his pre-med. Wow, this was going to be magnificent. He slowly drifted off to a deep sleep.

When he awoke he was momentarily confused and wondered where he was. Then it all started coming back to him and a smile spread across his face, the dull ache down below letting him know that it was all over. He longed to see the results but knew that he would have to wait another hour at least before the dressing could be taken down so he just lay back allowing himself to wake slowly and dreaming of the new life ahead of him.

A few more pages

Hank had attended and indeed passed the leading hands course a few years before. Being a naturally gobby git he had no problem with his presentations and managed the rest of the course with ease, squeezing in a good few nights heavy drinking and womanising along the way. The physical aspects hadn’t proved too difficult either as he used to keep himself in shape, that was a few years ago obviously. He told Bill that the whole thing was a doddle and nothing to worry about and that all the stories about it being hard as nails were exaggerated by people who had done it to make them look better. Like the dreaded Black Mountains. This was an arduous couple of days carrying bergens up mountainsides usually in the pouring rain and with a gale blowing. Now Hank wasn’t really qualified to advise Bill on this aspect. The truth was that Hank had never done it. Two days before he was due to do it he met one of the instructors in the pub and they got chatting. As usual one thing led to another and one pint led to several. The instructor was not what you might call an accomplished drinker but felt that as a matter of pride he should at least keep up with the junior rank. Hank was more than happy to accommodate him and when the instructor ran out of cash again he was more than willing to subsidise the binge. In the early hours the unwitting and incredibly drunk instructor  was led to a gay bar and fed a few more beers before being introduced to some friendly bikers. The next days lessons began at 07:30 but the instructor was late. When he finally turned to at 12:00 he was not his usual ebullient self and seemed much the worse for wear and also walking funny. He spent the rest of the day scowling at the class which was not unusual for a chief stoker but he reserved special scorn for a particular leading naval nurse who sat smiling smugly at the back of the class. When the Black mountain exercise was due to start Hank called the instructor aside and explained that he was quite tired and did not really feel like doing the exercise. Five minutes later he found himself being assigned the job of radio operator, the first time this was done in the history of the course. He then sat on his arse for two days drinking tea and smiling inanely at the instructing staff.

Of course he never told Bill any of this, instead he told him that it was actually just a bit of a walk and you only missed a few hours sleep if you were unlucky. Asking for another pint whilst he went to the heads again he started on some mental arithmetic. Lunch was £4.75; three pints £6.30 that made a total of £11.05 only another £38.95 to go. He couldn’t use the toilet trick for much longer and Bill was turning all poncey wanting to go back and see Rosey. A new plan was needed. He rubbed some soap in his eyes and headed back to the table.

A fresh pint was waiting for him but Bill was getting ready to leave. Turning to say goodbye he noticed that Hank had been crying. “you all right mate?”.

“Oh I’ll be ok, fella, you get back to Rosey mate, you need to spend more time with her and I’ll make my own way home to the flat”.

“Are you sure ? You look upset”.

“Its nothing, I was just thinking in the heads that I might be pissing my life away and then I look at you and you seem to have it all. A woman who loves you, a nice house and real career prospects. No, I’ll be fine, just a bit maudlin at the minute, nothing a few more pints wont sort out. You go back to Rosey and tell her how much you love her, I’ll be fine.”

Bill still wasn’t sure, he felt he shouldn’t just leave his mate alone in the pub in such a low mood. He went to the bar and bought him another pint. Returning to the table he set the pint down and said; “well if you’re sure you’ll be ok I will head off and see the missus.”

“Of course fella, you get off and tell Rosey I was asking after her.”

Bill turned to leave. About 10 feet from the door he heard a loud sniffle and turning saw Hank wiping tears from his eyes. No way could he leave his best mate in this state so he went straight back to the table and sat down. “Listen Hank I have never seen you like this before and there is no way that I am leaving you like this.”

Hank slowly looked up from the table, sniffled, smiled and nodded slowly at his mate; “you are a prince amongst men fella. Would you mind getting the drinks in whilst I go to the heads, this bladder of mine is really playing up today..”

Five hours later Hank had managed to retrieve the equivalent of  £42.70 and was well pleased with himself and felt that he could safely release Bill, the Guinness contributing to his magnamanous attitude. He told Bill that he should make his way back home and show Rosey some attention. Bill was totally plastered at his stage and needed no encouragement so stumbled out of the bar and got a taxi home. Hank had taken his car keys so he couldn’t drive. Just after Bill left the barman approached and handed Hank a slip of paper. He looked at it and swore loud enough for the whole pub to go quiet. It was a bar bill for £85.40, Bill hadn’t paid for a bloody drop all night preferring instead to have a bar tab. As he paid Hank swore that he would get his money back, he just needed a plan but was too pissed to think of one right now.

Driving home Hank let his mind wander. It was time to get promoted and that meant behaving responsibly for long enough to convince his Divisional Officer and the CO that he had turned over a new leaf. To that end he had a shave when he got home and ironed a clean uniform. The next morning he was 20 minutes early for work and volunteered to work in resusc all day. Come 15:15 he did not go home but continued at work until 8 o clock, ensuring that it was noticed by all in any position of authority in the department. He continued in this vein for some time, volunteering for extra shifts and mentoring as many students as possible. He went on courses, taught regularly and was generally an all round good egg. He even paid for the repairs to Bills car and stopped drinking before early shifts. This in turn lead to weight loss and a healthier tinge to his pallid face. It didn’t take long for the change to be noticed. Truth be told he had always been a competent nurse and had a natural talent for the emergency department and this coupled with his new attitude ensured promotion to the heady heights of Petty Officer 4 months later.

Bill pulled up outside the house, and looked at himself in the rear view mirror. ‘get a grip you stupid fucker’ he thought to himself.  He knew how stupid he was to drive after drinking so much.  He’d never do that again.  He looked at his watch and realised he was already four hours late home, stinking from the days fishing and the beer.  As he approached the door he found an old polo mint in his pocket that he thought would mask any alcohol and geared himself for getting the key in the lock first time to avoid arousing suspicion. As he leant towards the door Rosey opened it and he fell through flat on his face.

“You bastard.” She whispered hoarsely.  “you promised me you would be home three hours ago.”

He staggered to his feet and used the wall to support him, “No I didn’t, I promised I’d be home four hours ago… I love you.”  He leant forward to kiss her but she pushed him away. 

“just get upstairs and clean yourself up.  My parents are in the living room!”

Bill’s face lit up.  “Ah great”  He exclaimed and staggered in to meet his future in laws.  “I am sooo pleased to meet you” he said with his hand outstretched.  However his untied shoe lace caused him to trip and he landed squarely on her mother with his hand cupping her left breast.

Rosey’s dad stood immediately and picked Bill up.  “Steady there young man.  Been drinking have we.”  He steadied Bill up stairs and came back down.  The look on his face made Rosey want to cry.  Her parents only wanted the best for their daughter, that is what she had always been told.  Every choice she made was always reinforced by them saying that as long as she was happy then they were to.  Somehow knowing that had always made her choose wisely, in a way to make them happy.  How could anyone be happy with this, with Bill.

“Daddy, I’m so sorry.” She wept.  Her dad put his arms around her and simply held her.  Something that always reassured her that everything would be okay.

“Darling you certainly have made a choice there haven’t you.”  He whispered into her ear. “I can only blame myself”.

“Daddy?”  She pulled away and looked into his eyes, unsure of what he meant.

“My dear I never thought it true when people say that girls are attracted to the men who remind them of their fathers.  I always believed you were too young and would have forgotten my badness when you where a child.”

“Daddy?”  Rosey was scared, “What do you mean?  Bill is nothing like you.  For a start you don’t drink, you go to church every Sunday.  You are a member of the golf club!”

“Ahem”  It was her mother, “Is no one concerned about the young man accosting my bosom?”

“Daddy!  What do you mean?”  she implored, ignoring her mothers protests.

“My child you were only four years old, I guess on some Freudian level you buried deep.  You see when I met your mother I was living rough on the streets.  I was drinking anything.  At one point mixing lambrini and white spirits just for kicks.  That was when I met your mother.  She turned my life around and we married.  Much to her parents disgust.  But it was the seventies and that kind of thing happened.  I got a job, you were born, but it didn’t take long for my horrible drinking addiction started again.  It was then that I found god.  He helped me over this cruel sickness and I’ve never touched a drop since.  I never knew it would influence you this way. But if you’re anything like your mother then I’m sure you’ll make a man of him.”

“I, I don’t know what to say?  Mummy, Daddy, why didn’t you tell me this before.  I can’t believe you kept this from me.”  she slowly sat down on the couch and silence filled the room.  Upstairs the sound of Bill retching punctuated the silence.

“so what are you saying then?”  She looked across at her mum and dad who had resumed their seats next to each other in a typical portrait pose.

Late again, bloody Guinness

The stoke arms was packed three deep at the bar when Bill and Hank had entered and both thought of moving elsewhere when two pints of Guinness were passed back to them.  They looked over at the bar and saw the landlord with his thumbs up.  They drank their pints and as the pub quietened made their way over for a refill.  Dave the landlord grabbed two empty glasses, “Same again lads”

“cheers fella.”

“Aye cheers hi.  Impressed with you mate.  How did you get those pints poured so quickly? We had only just set foot in the door.”

“ah well I saw the two of you walking up the road through the window and as we were busy I thought I’d pour two for you to save you any bother.”

“yeah but Dave how did you know we were coming here for a drink? I mean what would you have done if we had walked past and not come in?”

“Well it’s never happened before.  £8.90 please lads.”

Bill and Hank made their way to a table.  It had been three nights since the ménage a trios night and they hadn’t really spoke since.  Mainly because Hank had been on nights.

“so nights went well then?”

“Yeah not to bad.  Night sister was a cunt but you now what she’s like.  Always flapping over nothing.”

“why what happened?”

“Oh the bitch phoned me at one o’clock in the afternoon, I was in my pit, and she was flapping about something I didn’t do.”

“so did you put her right.  Can’t stand that woman, she has it in for the navy, always trying to blame us for shit that isn’t our fault.”

“well no; when I said something I didn’t do I meant something I should have done but didn’t.”  Hank pulled out his pipe and poured in some lighter fluid then tobacco.  The blow torch was proving unsuccessful so now sat there with flames spewing out of the pipes bowl.  “so yeah so we had this guy brought in about four in the morning and he was brown bread .  But the morgue was full so I put him in the end cubicle.  Filed his notes and then forgot to tell anyone.  It wasn’t until lunchtime that any one noticed.  Thing is one of the a grades had been going in every hour and doing observations on him.  Saying he had a blood pressure of 120/60.  Dozy bitch.  So any way night sister got a call then she called me giving me grief.”

Bill went and got some more drinks in and sat down. As he sat down Hank was looking at his wrist distractedly.

“what’s up mate?”

“New watch is it Bill?”

“yeah, not bad is picked it up yesterday,  batteries had gone in the old one.”

“how much did it cost?”

“50 quid”

“Did it by fuck.”  Hank let out a sigh and poured some of his Guinness into the pipe to extinguish the flames.  “so how’s things at home?”

“ah mate have had a big row with today, she is just got no common sense whatsoever.  And she is so fucking selfish it’s unbelievable.”

“what about?”

“ah well I’ve got three days off and she wanted to know what I was doing, so I said I was coming for a pint with you tonight then fishing tomorrow,  she then kicks off about me not spending enough time with her and always going out with my mates.”

“yeah but  you wouldn’t stop her going out would you, if she doesn’t want to that’s not your fault”

“That’s what I said.  Then she goes on about spending more time drinking with you than with her, which is a load of bollocks.  I said you’ve been on nights and we’ve always gone for a pint the first night and besides I’m fishing on my own tomorrow.  Then she goes on about not seeing her gran and that she’s back from some trip thing tomorrow and she wants to see her in case it’s her last chance.”

“why what’s wrong with her nan”

“fuck knows mate, she got told she had four months to live  three years ago and the family are now over protective.  Wouldn’t mind mate but she’s fit enough to go to Mexico, I think it’s an attention thing.”  Bill and Hank gazed at their favourite quiz machine that some other customer was using.  “so do you fancy going fishing tomorrow?”

“Yeah sounds like a plan dude.”

Next morning Bill picked Hank up and they headed out to Tavistock to the fish farm. There was a steady drizzle but the day was warm if slightly overcast. Bill pretended to know what he was doing and discussed which flies to use for the conditions with any poor sod who would speak to him. Hank stuck a big colourful fly on the end of his line, unsure as to whether it was a sinking line or what and threw it into the water about 5 metres from the bank, a good cast for him. He then took out his hip flask and had a quick swig before offering it to Bill who looked at him askance; “ you drinking already mate?”. “Nah, not really, just a drop to keep the chill out.”

“But its not cold…ah never mind not for me it’s a bit early”.

So the morning passed, a couple of decent trout were caught and the mood turned thoughtful. Bill was wondering about Rosey and if he was treating her right. Perhaps he had rushed into things and maybe she needed a bit more attention from him. He thought about asking Hanks opinion but was unsure of how to broach the subject. After all Hank had made his thoughts clear on several occasions, he did not like her. He had however helped them out in the bedroom and had even kissed Rosey goodnight after ensuring that she was sated so maybe he could see it from Bills point of view.

Hanks thoughts were elsewhere. He wanted his 50 quid, not for the cash so much as for the principle, he had offered to give Bill the money but Bill had insisted that it just be a loan until pay day and well that had come and passed and the fucker  had bought a new watch, cushions, a 3 piece suite, new bed, house and a fucking engagement ring. It would have to be retrieved in a different manner, but how? Bill would have to start paying for things, and quick. So where to start.

“Fancy a pub lunch mate?”

“I should really get back to Rosey mate, you know spend some time with her, let her know that I care and all that.”

“You been reading women’s bloody magazines or something? So you go back and tell her you love her, have a cuddle on the sofa and maybe even try to have sex, then what? I’ll tell you. If you succeed in having sex you will want a kip and she will want to talk, not about anything in particular, just anything and she’ll want to cuddle. I mean did you see the way she clung to me the other night? I’ll tell you fella, save the sex for night in bed so you just grunt at her and fall asleep and you will be nearly cuddling her so she will be happy as well. So what about this pub lunch?”

Bill gave it some thought but still wasn’t sure. He quite fancied a couple of pints but not only did he feel that he should spend time with Rosey but he had to prepare for the Leading Rates Command Course, which he had to pass if he was to get promoted.

“I don’t know mate, even if I don’t have sex I should probably do some work for the LRCC. Do my presentations and prepare my kit, that sort of stuff”.

Hank sighed this was not working. “Fella the LRCC is a piece of piss, I did mine with no preparation and passed with flying colours, tell you what over a nice lunch and a pint I’ll tell you all about it and give you a few tips.”

Now this was starting to make sense, Hank had after all passed  both his leading hands and senior rates command courses so he should have a good idea of what it was all about. Yeah, he would go for a pub lunch, get a few tips then go home and cook something special for Rosey.

An hour later they were in the pub. It was one of those places where you put your food order in at the bar paid and waited for the food to be brought to your table. Hank wanted Pie and chips but asked Bill to order as he needed the toilet. When he came back he found his food waiting and Bill looking pensive, obviously still worried about his missus. After  muttering a few platitudes he tried moving the conversation onto happier ground but to no avail, Christ he would need another drink, so he asked Bill to get another pint in whilst he went to the heads again, he really didn’t know what was wrong with his bladder this afternoon. Returning to a fresh pint and a sour faced mate he sat down and thought that he would steer the conversation towards command courses, at least the he could spin some dits and tell some lies that might be amusing; also he would need to work out how to get the next pint off Bill.

A bit late!!

Hank stood there open mouthed , not quite believing what he was seeing.  What was the guy thinking of?  Fair enough he had been single ever since he had known him. To be fair he hadn’t really seen Bill trap a girl in all the times he had been out.  But to propose so soon when he didn’t even know the girl.  And where did he get the money for a house?  He still owed Hank £50 from last pay day and said he was broke.

Hank thought these thoughts and more and only realised when Bill and rosey was gazing at him expectantly that they were talking to him.

“what ? Sorry mate, I was miles away.  I need a beer.”

“Er mate you just went to the fridge and got one.  It’s in your hand”.  Hank looked down and sure enough a can of lager was in his hand.  “So what do you reckon then. Will you?”

“Will I what?”

“Be my best man at the wedding?”

“eh. ME?  I’m not being funny mate and I’m honoured and all but don’t you think you should ask your best mate?”

“I am, mate.  My god are you pissed or something.  Don’t answer that.”

“no well yes, but I meant whatisname.  Your best mate in civvy street.”

Bill looked at him nonplussed “who do you mean?”

“That  bloke, you know.  Sebastian was it?  The guy who worked at the hairdressers,  he came down to visit and stayed in your room for about three weeks.  Mind you we haven’t “ Bill suddenly interrupted him.

“Any way mate can’t ask him, erm listen really want you to do it, will you? Anyway think about it, we’re off to buy a ring.”  with that Bill and rosey left Hank in the kitchen of the flat .  This was too much.  He was buying a wedding ring.  And now he doesn’t speak to his best mate Sebastian, even worse he doesn’t count him as a friend at all.  It was a shame because those two guys were really close.  And where the fuck was his £50.

They moved into the house and to celebrate rosey went and bought some rather revealing underwear and some nice food to prepare a meal for Bill when he finished work.  She had worked really hard the past two weeks in getting furniture and organising the legal side of the house.  She even bought a dozen roses and sprinkled the petals over the bed.  She knew that Bill was working today and thought about phoning home.  She hadn’t told her parents about Bill yet.  Her gran was diagnosed terminally ill three years previously and yet was defying all medical experts by still being alive.  She was currently on a hill walking holiday in the Andes and her parents were anxious.  Especially since she was supposedly scaling the north face of machu picchu that very day.

Bill had had a quiet day at work and was decidedly quiet about moving in with his newly betrothed.  He knew that Hank was a bit low at the prospect of living alone.  They had only rented a flat three months previously and so Bill felt he was leaving him in the lurch financially.  Especially how Hank was talking animatedly about wanting to buy a new cork screw for his collection.  This one must have been special as for the past two weeks Hank had been saying he only needed £50 for it.  Every conversation eventually came round to the fact that he was £50 short.

Bill was outside smoking a tab when Hank approached.

“alright fella how’s it hanging?”  He enquired.  Hank had recently purchased a pipe, trying to look wind swept and interesting but still couldn’t manage to keep it lit long enough.  So he was stood there with a miniature blow torch in one hand and his pipe in the other.  Every breath he brought up the blow torch and inhaled then coughed.  Bill couldn’t see the appeal.

“yeah mate, quiet day for me,  have you heard from rosey?  She must be busy today.  Still £50 short for that cork screw.”

Bill simply nodded.  A lot of Hanks conversations came round to the cork screw recently.  He admired him for having a hobby but was beginning to get a bit bored with him going on about it all the time.  Besides he thought, it was probably his way of coping with him moving out.  He felt guilty again.

“Hank I was thinking maybe we should go out for a few beers, we haven’t done that recently”

“no not since the weekend anyway.  Thing is I’m on nights as of tomorrow so could only make tonight.”

“hmm tonight, not sure mate. Rosey will have spent all day moving my stuff in and you know how it is she’s probably tired. It’s a bit much to expect her to have ironed my clothes by the time I get home.”

“what do you need clothes ironing for, just t shirt will do.  Pop round yours on the way and get some scran.  I’ve nothing at the flat.”

“yeah ok mate, should be a laugh.”

“any way must be getting back.  Need to find out if I can get some over time this week.  Reckon I’d get about 50 quid for a late shift on a Sunday.”

“dunno”

“no , no I didn’t think you would some how.”

Both headed their separate ways, Hank to the pub and Bill home to Rosey. She had done herself proud. The smell of lasagne wafted in from the kitchen and there was a glass of wine waiting on the coffee table. As he sat back watching the news Rosey came in and said that dinner would be ready in about 20 minutes. They sat in comfort discussing the days events and he complemented her on what she had done with the house. She coyly agreed that she had been busy and it had taken a lot out of her, she would probably have an early night she said with smile in her eye. As they ate she once again said in endearing and coquettish manner that the bed was calling her, Bill threw her a knowing look and smiled broadly at her. After the dishes were done Rosey went upstairs with a spring in her step and Bill stayed to watch the news, when that was done he gave Hank a ring.

“You all right mate, what you up to?”

“ just having a couple of swift ones , what about yourself?”

“Fucking Rosey has pissed off to bed early so I’m just watching crap TV at the mo”.

“You might as well come down for a couple of pints then”

“nah, don’t think she’d like that, you know just having moved in and all that.”

“She’s asleep mate, she’ll never know and I’m not having a late one”

“Yea fair one, what pub you in “Stoke arms?”, right see you in 20 minutes”.

Two hours and  eight pints later a serious conversation loomed. Hank obviously wasn’t happy with the way things were working out. Bill felt that he might be jealous of all the time that he was now spending with Rosey but he had to live his life.

“the thing is fella I’m worried about you. You hardly know Rosey and you’ve moved in with her already and got engaged after one shag, and to be honest she wasn’t that good, needed a lot of direction. Have you shagged her since?”

“The thing is Hank, its only been 23 days since I met her and what with buying the ring and the house and the furniture and the curtains and, well the list is endless we haven’t had time for sex.”

“           Ah well dude you can always move back in with me if it all falls apart and I do think that Rosey is a cunt. She didn’t listen to a word I said the other night. And no one else likes her. But they wont tell you that.”

Another four hours, two pubs and a night club passed and the two found themselves at Bill’s new house. Hank crashed out on the sofa whilst Bill gingerly made his way up the stairs. 15 minutes later Hank was awoken by Bill shaking him.

“What’s up mate?”

“it’s a bit delicate mate but me and Rosey have just had a bit of a row and we were getting down to making up and I couldn’t quite manage, the old fella aint responding. I was wondering  if you wouldn’t mind coming up and sitting in the corner, you know and if its not too much trouble, doing that direction thing again?”

“No worries mate, I’ll be right there”

Hank got undressed and went up stairs. He climbed into bed and reassured them that it would all be ok. He gently started stroking the inside of her thigh and cooing in her ear. Bill wasn’t quite sure where this was going but knew that Hank had his best intentions at heart. It all became quite sordid and sweaty but he was pleased to see that Rosey was thoroughly enjoying herself. Eventually Bill got his turn and with direction and demonstrations managed to show her a good time too.

“Cheers mate” he said.

“Don’t mention it mate, what are friends for?” and with that Hank kissed Rosey goodnight and got out the bed and returned to the sofa.

There was a bit of a lull in the department for a while, people were becoming wary of being seen talking to either of them. Bill, always a thinker thought that something had to be done to rehabilitate the two of them back into the CO’s and the departments good books and so he brought it up in the pub that afternoon. After 12 pints they had made the first of many plans: people needed a opportunity to let their hair down and to feel good about doing it. The only option that seemed right was a charity function, raise some money for a good cause and then have a bit of a do in the evening. But which charity, something close to the CO’s heart, that would go down well, but what? A half bottle of Jameson later they had it. All that was needed was to find a charity for the follically challenged, that could come later but they needed to work out what they could do for the fundraising. Hank was totally against the idea of anything too physical and Bill didn’t feel that a three legged pub crawl was the answer to the problem. This wasn’t going to be easy.

On the way home from the kebab shop it became apparent that they would need help but it would have to wait until the morning. The department was heaving on the late shift and there wasn’t much chance to sort things out so Hank invited a few of the girls for a drink and when they declined he asked some the less ill patients. So it was that the unlucky pair found themselves at the captains table again the next morning. “Kelly and Mason, what a surprise to see you here again so soon; you really better have a good explanation for last night!”.

“Well sir, we finished work at 21:00 and decided to have a few pints to chill after a stressful day. We then proceeded  up to the stroke unit to see if PO Bawlins fancied a drink but as usual the poof  declined. On the way out we noticed a man sitting outside the unit and he looked quite down so we took him for a drink to cheer him up. Anyway he couldn’t hold his drink could he Bill, he kept spilling it and making a right tit out of us in the pub. What I mean sir is that he couldn’t actually physically hold his drink and when I poured it down his throat the twat just gurgled and spat half of it on the floor. Well we wheeled him out of the pub and as I went to light a fag the wheelchair sort of got away from me and took off at a terrible pace down the hill. I think you know the rest, the coast guard did a great job but the cliff wasn’t that tall and his injuries were relatively minor considering. Also sir LNN Mason did accompany him to A/E and he was seen straight away and the ITU consultant said he should regain the use of his left foot. We honestly had no idea that he was patient on the stroke unit and that’s about it sir.”

The next two months in the glasshouse passed quite quickly and they had time to work out what they would do for charity, a sponsored sleep in aid of the British Under haired Men’s Society. Sponsor forms were drawn up and donations sought. A bed was secured in Littlewoods window and the date set. The plan was to sleep for 72 hours straight, in public and then have a reception to hand over the proceeds at the British legion.

Although it was for charity they  didn’t want to be out done by each other, so a few days before they both went their separate ways to prepare for what was now the talk of the hospital.  Bill started a careful regime in order to ensure maximum tiredness.  He had read about sleep deprivation and the effects of stimulants and sedatives.  He gradually cut down on his sugar intake.  He had read about how bears, prior to hibernation, eat semi digestible matter to act as a sort of butt plug so his body wouldn’t wake up with the need to go the toilet.  The morning of the start of the sleep in he was ready.  He had fleece pyjamas, eye shades earplugs  and lavender soaked handkerchief.  He hadn’t slept for two days.

Hank was late.  They were meant to be in bed for nine o’clock and it was five to already, with no show.  The CO was looking up and down the road and everyone could sense the tension rising.  The CO had arranged for local TV and radio coverage for the start of the event and had had the streets lined with sailors to promote the navy in a good way.

Then at two minutes to nine broken glass and growls could be heard from the building opposite,  then raised voices followed by something being hurled through a window.  A face appeared at the broken window.  It was a balding face of a thickset man who looked very angry. 

“You cheeky Irish bastard.  You’re barred.  If I ever catch you hiding in the toilets of my pub again I’ll kill you!”

The crumpled pale figure staggered up and nonchalantly made his way towards the littlewoods window.

As the man passed the CO it became obvious that it was Hank.  It was obvious to Bill how Hank had been preparing.

“Jeez mate have you been drinking for three days solid”

“wazzat, bastard …look at my hand, aren’t hands amazing.”  then collapsed asleep.

They put Hank in his bed whilst Bill got his pyjamas on. While Bill got ready Hank woke up briefly and changed beds. To great applause Bill took a bow a climbed into the bed. With a sinking feeling he realised that the bed was wet, wet and warm. The dirty bastard he thought. He swamped the bloody bed. Bill sat up and was about to get out when he saw the CO staring at him, he thought better of leaving and sank back into the sodden sheets swearing revenge on the Fat Irish git. Hank was oblivious to all of it, totally out of it as only a drunk can be, he was snoring in minutes whilst Bill suffered. The snoring was bad enough but the sleep farts had to be the worst, what had he eaten? He would never get to sleep at this rate and now the fucker was talking in his sleep. 48 hours later Bill really could take no more. He climbed from the bed, peeled the sheets from his clammy skin, cast a look at Hank, still sleeping like a baby, and headed off for a shower and something to eat.

The next evening Bill had freshened up and got some sleep and was now at the British legion ready for the handing over of the cheque. They had managed to raise over 3000 pounds in all and he was feeling quite proud. At 22:00 Hank still hadn’t appeared and it took them some time to realise that he was still asleep in Littlewoods window. The CO’s driver was sent to get him and in the mean time Bill mingled.

Dishevelled but sprightly Hank jumped from the car a got a rousing round of applause. He sprang up the steps and handed the cheque over before heading to the bar. The CO made a long boring speech about the quality of people in the navy and their ability to care for others only to be interrupted half way through when Bill and Hank rolled through the double doors, punching, scratching and screaming all the obscenities under the sun.” You pissed my bed you twat, and I had to lie in it for 2 whole sodden days”. “Bollocks fella, I pissed my bed and slept in yours so don’t blame me, you slept in my bed!”.

This made Bill pause for thought. Well actually it was his bed so it must have been Bill’s fault after all. He apologised and Hank graciously forgave him and they set off for a pint, best mates again.

Propping up the bar they basked in the glory and adulation surrounding them. As the evening wore on Bill started to feel that he needed a woman in his life and turning on his bar stool scanned the room for likely victims. At that moment an attractive young lady came to the bar and ordered a drink. Twisting round smiling from ear to ear Bill calmly said “your money is no good here”. He paid for her drink and led her to the dance floor and proceeded to woo her with his slick dance moves.

“This really is nice” said Rosey “but I prefer to dance to music”

“No problem came the reply” as Bill headed off in Hanks direction. Two minutes later Rosey was wondering just what she had got herself into. She was slow dancing in his arms whilst Hank followed them around, humming in her ear some daft Irish love song about leprechauns and Siamese twins.

That night Bill gave Rosey some loving whilst Hank shouted instructions from the corner, again Rosey found this quite disconcerting but put up with it, after all Bill had said that he loved her. The following morning Hank made her breakfast and Bill was nowhere to be seen. He eventually reappeared around noon and got down on one knee and proposed. Totally shocked she felt that she could do nothing but accept. Bill then pulled a set of keys from his pocket and gave her them saying that he had bought a house for them to live in and they should have four children and a dog.