And yet more

“Oh sorry fella. I am the senior nurse on duty so if you will excuse the pun it seems that you are stuck with me.” At this the two paramedics on the ground started laughing all over again, just as they were getting a hold on themselves. Some more staff arrived from the department as Hank climbed into the back of the ambulance. Removing the blanket that was covering Claire he stood back in shock. Claire was looking straight at him, fear imprinted all over her face, her cheeks flushed and hair all bedraggled. Oh and there was also a very large penis hanging out her mouth. He followed the length to its origin and looked at this friend.

“Is this all yours mate? I mean has it always been yours? No I mean what the fuck is it? And just what is it doing in her mouth.”

“Not now fella. Just help sort us out will you.”

“Nope, I want to know just what is going on and she is saying nothing is she. That leaves you shipmate. Those two monkeys outside are in no state to tell me anything are they, I mean they laughed so much that they crashed the bloody ambulance. So start talking my son and don’t spare any detail. Don’t worry I will bring you into resus and try to separate the two of you. If you are very good I will even consider not telling Rosey that you have been bagging off out of watch. My lips will be sealed, which is more than I can say for your friend here” he said pointing to Claire.

With some difficulty and a lot of hilarity the unfortunate couple were transferred into resus and it was with some surprise that Hank discovered that Rosey had also been admitted. Things were certainly getting interesting, a lot more interesting than a few pints of the black stuff down at the social club. Anyway before he found out what had happened to Rosey he determined to interrogate his mate. Laughing was not going to help but he couldn’t help himself, every time he thought about the sight that greeted him in the back of the ambulance a smile spread across his face and the laughter just flooded out. Eventually a semblance of control was achieved and the time was right. Standing at the side of the trolley that held the two of them he looked at Claire and asked if she minded him having a chat with his mate. She just looked at him and managed to nod her head slightly whilst at the same time looking totally ridiculous with that enormous two tone cock wedged in her mouth and tears streaming down her face.

“Well” said Hank. “Rosey has arrived but I suppose you were expecting that. As you are also aware Claire is still rather stuck on you. We are trying to figure out a way to separate you both but are having some difficulty on that score. One option is to surgically enlarge her mouth to enable release but we would like to avoid this if at all possible for obvious reasons. On the other hand I and the rest of the staff are curious as hell as to how this all came about and a good place to start would be that abomination between your legs, I have known you for some time now and am pretty sure that it is a fairly recent addition. It is of course not just idle curiosity but a good history as you well know may give us a clue as to how resolve this whole situation for you in the most efficient manner.”

“Look Bill interrupted angrily. I am sure that his whole episode is incredibly amusing to you and everyone else here but I just want my cock out of her mouth and to see if Rosey is all right. So if you don’t mind I would just like you to do your job and fuck off.”

“Now that really isn’t the attitude is it? I am trying to help you but you aren’t making it easy. One problem is that Claire here cant stay still and the movement this causes around your member excites you, you pervey bastard and so causes you to maintain that huge erection, which in turn fills her mouth and prevents us from being able to release you both. The fact is that if you weren’t lying down you would be unconscious at the moment as the amount of blood needed to keep that thing going would starve your brain of blood resulting in dizziness, visual disturbance, loss of balance and indeed a decreased level of consciousness. So if you will just play along perhaps we can work out a solution to this together.”

At this Claire nodded her head vigorously causing Bill to swoon. As soon as she stopped and Bill came round again Hank continued.

“Right fella, tell me the whole story.”

“OK. I was a bit fed up of relying on you for my success in the bedroom and decided to do something about it.” Claires eyes widened but she was smart enough not move a muscle, a look of intense interest spreading across her face. ”Anyway I saw an advert online for a new penis enlargement treatment and felt that if mine was bigger then I would be happier with my own image and so be able to get an erection without you giving instruction from the corner or wherever.” Again Claire gagged for a while and Bill was close to collapse but she managed to control herself and he was able to continue. “So I signed up for the procedure but it did not go exactly according to plan and the damned quack gave me some poor Indian blokes knob grafted onto the end of my own. Deciding to make the best out of a bad situation I decided to give it a try and went home to surprise Rosey. The rest is all a bit hazy I am afraid. One minute there was the excitement of showing Rosey her present and the next everything went blank. I woke up and Rosey had collapsed, probably from some nasty infection that I picked up during the graft so I phoned an ambulance. The next thing I knew this crazy bitch attacked me with a broom whilst her partner in crime hid in the corner. She then threw me to the ground and started to wank me and I felt all light headed again and passed out. When I awoke she was as you see her now. And that’s it. That’s all there is, so if you don’t mind I would like you work out a solution and extricate me from this crazy bitch and find out how Rosey is. Please.”

Bill was out on a two day fishing trip, it was something he enjoyed that was good for him.  It got him out in the clear fresh air, except for the tabs.  And it was a break from drinking, except when Hank came along with his hip flask.  Well that’s what Hank called it.  Everyone else knew it as the common tartan family sized thermos.  The trip was organised by the royal navy fishing team.  The navy was always keen to support sport.  It developed team spirit and physical fitness.  Bill’s physical fitness was being pushed to the extreme as he sat at the back of the boat, the sun beating his brow.  His team spirit, in this case gin, was going down well too.  There were three boats all in all and although Hank came along on the trip, he wasn’t on any of them. 

They arrived the night before and when they moved in to the cottage that had been hired by the navy they discovered that the rest of the fishing party all ranked captain and above.  As the only junior ratings it would have been thought that Bill and Hank would seem awkward and out of place but the two of them could engage in any social situation and class.  That is they did what they always do regardless of the company.  They could piss off people from all walks of life.  That night though they were kept out of the conversation and when they suggested going to the pub, the rest declined, preferring to stay in the cottage drinking a fine bottle of port and talking shop.

Well they would have done if Hank hadn’t nicked it.  The two of them staggered up the lane towards the pub taking swigs then passing it on, to the left. 

“boring stuck up wankers”  was Hanks eventual  assessment and character assassination of the fishing party.  He decided to share this with Bill over their second pint.

“maybe fella but it doesn’t hurt to ingratiate yourself every once in a while.  Friends in high places can be useful.  Especially with our track record.”  Bill cast a glance around the room for any talent but was left wanting.

“ah come off it mate, you can’t go through life brown nosing like the other fuckers.  It’s beneath you.  You want to end like that stuck up bitch that joined up last year?  What’s her face? The one who plays the trumpet.  What happened to her?”

“oh Abi?  She got her commission,  she’s a ward sister in Portsmouth now.”

“ah yeah but how many people has she stood on to get there.  It’s like the knob who was on that exercise in Yorkshire.  You know the scrawny fucker who was always volunteering himself for every shit job going, then arranged that trip to the museum for the crowd.  What a party that was, and you just know no-one wanted to go and wanted to kill him.  He got drafted out of the department toot sweet didn’t he.”

“yeah he got his promotion two months ago, he’s on a trauma course in south Africa at the moment.”

“Cunt.  They all are, cunts the lot of ‘em.”  He went up to the bar and ordered some more drinks.  He turned to Bill, “Fella I’ve just thought, there’s no cash point round here is there.  How much cash have you got?  Maybe spare us fifty quid?”

A bit more, (please leave a comment, offensive ones just as welcome)

At that he heard the sirens and saw the reflected blue lights through the frosted glass of the front door. Relieved he slumped to the ground and awaited the paramedics. The sense of relief was short lived. Daz and Claire entered the house and stood transfixed for some time. Both had been paramedics for some time and had seen the whole gambit of what humanity could offer but the sight before them beggared belief. A short red haired lady lay before them, apparently comatose but smiling smugly whilst someone who looked like he was training for a part as an extra in Shindlers List was slumped in the corner with what looked like an enormous exotic snake eating his groin. Claire immediately grabbed a nearby broom and attacked the offending reptile with all the vigour that she could muster whilst the patient tried desperately to escape the monster which was holding on with all its might. Daz meanwhile was hiding in a corner too scared to intervene, he couldn’t help but feel the dread and fear that the patient must be feeling having his manhood munched by some demon  reptile that obviously had a taste for man flesh. Bill was screaming at Claire to get off but she didn’t appear to be paying much attention as she continued to battle with the monster between his legs. Crawling up the wall he managed to turn away from the assault and pulled his manhood after him but alas it was all to no avail. Not to be out done Claire renewed her assault with fresh vigour, she pulled Bill by the head and threw him to the ground, laying him on his back she raised the broom above her head and prepared to deliver the coup de grace. It took all her effort to stop the blow mid air when realisation suddenly dawned on her, there was no python eating this mans groin, no reptile gorging itself on the nether regions of some unfortunate; just the weirdest looking penis she had ever seen. Falling to her knees she took the beast into both her hands and examined it thoroughly whilst its owner just lay there staring at her. A feeling of awe spread through her as she gently massaged the length before her and she was unable to stop herself continuing up and down its entire length which just appeared to get bigger and bigger the more she massaged it. She briefly felt guilty and unprofessional until she glanced at the owners face and saw him close his eyes and slide blissfully into the fully prone position, he was obviously enjoying the experience. It was almost as if she switched to automatic as her mouth closed the gap with the mutant penis, she felt giddy and hornier than at any other time in her life, she just had to have it in her mouth, the trouble being that she couldn’t fit the damned thing in, her mouth just wasn’t big enough. Well Claire was no quitter so she attacked the problem with more vigour and eventually with much salivation and pushing and tugging the tip squeezed into her peridontal atrium. Fear suddenly coursed through her veins as the realisation struck, much too late, that the damned thing could kill her. If it became wedged there was every chance that it could occlude her airway and stop her breathing  With the rising sense of panic she struggled to remove the obstruction from her mouth but the more she wriggled and pulled the more engorged and stuck became the obstruction. It was becoming harder and harder to breathe and she felt herself drifting into unconsciousness. The last thought to go through her head was how ridiculous, her parents would be mortified and the lads at work would have a bloody field day.

One of the lads from work was at that minute building up the courage to come to the aid of his partner. With a sudden burst of energy he sprang from his crouching position and charged the length of the hall only to be stopped dead in his tracks. Before him lay the original short red haired lady, still comatose and smiling smugly and beside her lay the patient, still with the snake attached but more worryingly the creature had somehow managed to get its tail stuck in Claires throat. She was lying there also, unconscious and prostrate, this had got totally out of hand and he would need some assistance so he sprinted for the ambulance and called for two more wagons to attend.

Things in A/E were quiet for a change. The staff were enjoying the down time, playing games on the computers and having extra breaks. Time was passing very slowly indeed as they waited for home time. Hank sat at the nurses station clock watching. As soon as the shift was over he was off to the social club for a few jars with some people from work. Ever since the sponsored sleep he had been slowly getting back to the position he once held, his star was in the ascendant again. Once more he could arse about with impunity and hurl insults at all those around him whilst they all passed it off as his cheeky Oirish brogue. Just then the bat phone went “Oh shit he thought, a bloody emergency coming in 15 minutes before he was due to hand over and go for a drink. With a sense of impending doom he lifted the receiver to his ear:

“A/E, charge nurse speaking”

“This is ambulance control, just calling to tell you that there are 3 casualties on their way to you, they should be arriving in approximately 15 minutes.”

“Do you have any details on the extent of their injuries.”

“Ahem, yes. The first casualty is one of our paramedics aged 27. She has a foreign body  stuck in her mouth which is partially occluding her airway. She is receiving supplementary oxygen through nasal speculum and is, well, ahem, well she is attached to the second casualty actually. He is a man in his mid twenties who was found in a semi conscious condition, we have no information on any obvious injuries to him. The third casualty is a young woman with no apparent injuries, in a state of delirium slipping in and out of consciousness. That’s all that we have for now”.

“Sorry fella but you really haven’t told me anything. I mean what caused the accident, how long ago did it happen, how is one casualty attached to the other, come on give me something to work with here.”

“I am really sorry but we are finding it impossible to get any sense out of our people on the ground. All communications are punctuated by raucous laughter and the crews seem unable to tell us anything. The whole thing is really puzzling actually.”

“Well thank you for your honesty, I’ll just wait and see what happens then.”

With that he hung up the phone and sorted out some staff to work in resus, told the registrar on duty what little he knew and waited for the ambulances to arrive.

10 minutes later an ambulance crashed just outside the department. Rushing outside Hank was in time to see the back doors swing open and a paramedic fall to the ground holding his sides. Simultaneously the drivers door opened and the driver also fell to the ground and started to roll around. Hank sprinted to them whilst shouting for help. As soon as he arrived he knew that there was something desperately wrong. The paramedics were in fits of laughter and every time they seemed to be calming down they just looked at each other and burst out laughing again. Due to the fact that they were both able to laugh he realised that they were not seriously injured so decided to look inside. The last thing he expected was to see Bill staring back at him but there he was larger than life with a confused grin on his face and a paramedic crouching over his lower half.”

“All right mate? What you doing in the ambulance and what is Claire doing sitting on your lap? Actually could you give me a hand with these two idiots?”

“Mmmmm. Is anyone else on duty mate. I’m actually a casualty you see and well Claire is kind of stuck to me. Look I don’t know all the details but I am pretty sure that it is all going to be very embarrassing for all concerned and I am sure you will understand when I say that perhaps you are not the most diplomatic of people and that perhaps someone else should deal with the situation.”

Hank looked at his mate aghast. There was some funny shit going down and there was no way he was going to miss a moment of it. He thought that Bill knew him better than that.