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“What do we do now” said the leader. And he was the leader and this is what his followers called him. The truth was that Bill had not attended an alcoholics anonymous meeting but a meeting of the Almighty Avengers, a fairly recent invention, the invention of a defrocked catholic priest who was excommunicated from the church of Rome for being too puritanical. In Bill he now saw the chance to prove his teaching had the backing of God. However due to an incident in the distant past, all a misunderstanding of course involving a young monk and an aubergine he could not be left alone with his new disciple, well that’s what the court order said anyway. That left the leader with a dilemma. God had obviously put the new disciple in their midst for a reason but if they let him go home alone then he may not return. There was no way that he could let that happen. He needed Bill and was not going to let him go. Turning to his congregation he announced;

“The Lord is with us tonight. He has given us a sign and a challenge. Who amongst you is ready for the Lords work? Who amongst you will take it upon yourself to lift this wretched body on the floor before us and take it into their care, nurture it and keep this tormented soul from the path to depravity? Have any of you the strength to face this challenge?”. He studied the faces in front of him and his heart sank. What he saw was a group of people who liked the idea but remained to be convinced. With a leaden heart he was about to instruct that the new disciple be placed in a taxi when a voice rose from the assembled group.

“I will care for this straying lamb, his destiny shall be mine and we will face the challenges together as one.” It was the woman who Bill had sat beside in the meeting. The leader looked at her and was a little unsure. Celia was a fairly recent recruit and advocated a more militant strategy for the group than even the leader was comfortable with. Looking around the leader could see that no one else would look after the lost lamb so he quietly assented to Celia taking the new Disciple under her wing. It was then that Celia found her first problem. She was a mature student at the University of Plymouth and lived in halls of residence and there was no way that she could bring a source of evil into those pure and blessed rooms. As the others left she lifted Bill to his chair and roused him from his alcoholic stupor.

“Whaa? Who the fuc.. well hellllllo beautiful” he dribbled. “I must have died and gone straight to heaven or else God is very upset tonight as he has lost one of his angels. Lets go back to my place and make sweet music.” Bill was now fully awake and unaware that he stank of piss.

Celia took his drunken chat up lines as a sign from God. Surely this pathetic creature before her must be possessed by the Holy Spirit to be saying such things through the veil of alcoholic stupor. She always thought that God had chosen her for some great task but she never for a minute until now believed that she was an angel. Not only had her true identity been established but her destination for the night had been revealed so taking Bill under the arm she followed his directions to the flat. When they got there his keys could not be found anywhere even though he had her fumble in pockets on numerous occasions. Eventually she decided to ring the bell and see what happened. One minute later the door was opened by an attractive woman who took one look at Bill and ushered them both inside out of the rain, even helping to half carry him up the stairs. Harriet and Celia undressed Bill and both showered him and put him to bed before returning to the sitting room where Hank had made coffee.

“Where did you find him then?” Asked Hank.

“Oh, he came to an AA meeting I was at and initially he disgusted me but the leader explained that he needed our help and I volunteered. He just needs someone to show him the error of his ways and help him through this difficult time in his life. I am just glad that I am able to help. The love in this home that I can feel should be of great benefit to him also. I really think that we can help him through this.

Harriet said that she was delighted that Bill had finally sought help for his problem and that it was great that he had found someone willing to help him through this crisis. Hank and her would of course do all that they could to help. She had very little experience of this sort of thing but had just spent three years in India working in an orphanage where she had seen some terrible things, so she explained there was not much that could shock her. She went on to explain one of the worst experiences that she had faced. One day a local man in his mid thirties turned up unannounced at the orphanage doors and asked if they would take his five children into care. On further questioning it became evident that the mans’ wife had left him for another man. More to the point, for a man who had a penis. Intrigued the staff pushed for a further explanation and were shocked by what they heard. Apparently the family had fallen upon hard times and in order to keep the family together this man had sold his penis to a private clinic in Delhi. In turn the penis was exported to Europe where it was used as a transplant or extension for some rich westerner. Well the operation went well and the man was discharged from the clinic after twenty four hours and used the money to buy a taxi. This in turn led to a upturn in the family fortunes; they bought a bigger house and sent the children to private school. The taxi business expanded rapidly and everything seemed fine. But of course the good luck could not last forever. Whilst the wife enjoyed all the material benefits that the sale of the penis brought she did miss the penis itself. To this end she spent a fortune on very personal toys but found that they were a poor substitute and so her mind wandered. It did not take a genius to work out what happened next. One day at the market she saw a Fakir lying on a bed of 12 inch nails and couldn’t help but notice his ample appendage under his loin cloth. After 10 minutes of watching it all became too much for her and she mounted the poor man there and then in the market place. The stunned Fakir tried to get off the bed of nails but being the skinny type and assailant being rotund in nature  this proved impossible but still he struggled on valiantly. The mans struggles only served to excite the lady further and so she attacked the task with more vigour. By this stage a large crowd had gathered to watch the impromptu show and were cheering her on in her exertions. Now thoroughly enjoying herself she decided to place the fakir on top and in one swift move stood up; lifted the poor man and threw herself on the bed whilst still keeping the skeletal figure firmly in her embrace. This was a fatal move, literally. On throwing herself onto the bed of nails she was instantly pierced by over a thousand of them with more than sixty piercing vital organs. Death, mercifully was swift and it could be argued that she died doing something that she loved; if not someone who she loved. The poor man then had to sell all he owned to compensate the Fakir and pay for the funeral costs and found himself unable to look after his children, for whom he had sold his penis in the first place.