Joining a Cult

On the way back to the flat conversation was somewhat stinted so to fill the gap Bill asked;”what do people who don’t go to pubs actually do? I mean how do they fill in the time after work and before work and during their holidays? Actually what do people actually do? This hit him like a bombshell. What was he actually missing out on. Wow just 1 day on and already he was asking important questions. Things were improving, his mind was working and his body was…….farting. On the other hand Celia was thinking “what sort of task has the Lord set upon me? Surely the labours of Hercules were nothing compared to what she was facing? It was at this time that she realised the true enormity of the task in front of her and she decided on the next course of action. Bill would have to be removed from all temptation and stripped of all his materialistic needs. Luckily the AA had a retreat in the country where he could be isolated from all the temptation that surrounded him. Now all they needed was transport and uniforms.

When she mentioned going away Bill thought things were going swimmingly.  Not a man to be afraid of committing too early in a relationship he thought a holiday was a great idea.  He phoned work trying to think of a good excuse why he wouldn’t be in work but they still thought he was on ‘the course’.  He thought that was a problem he would face later.  It wasn’t really a problem as he had a computer and could easily knock up a certificate.

When they got to the retreat he thought it was a strict health spa.  They got there and a  weedy bloke in a tracksuit asked him to get changed into a purple robe.  Once suitably attired, with Celia stood next to him, the young man with the name badge of Robert asked him to place all of his outside evils in the tray on a desk.

Bill was perturbed to say the least, “hang on rob, what do you…”

“It’s ROBERT.” 

Alright, touchy. Bill thought.  “Okay RoBERT, what do you mean, exactly by ‘outside Evils?”

“Well Sinner,”  Sinner is it you scrawny fuck, Bill thought, When my bird isn’t here you and me are going to have words sunshine. “ Every aspect of your outside life needs to be collected to prevent distractions during your time here.”

Bill was not happy with this but Celia’s encouraging looks made him deposit his ‘evils’.  In went his mobile phone, two packs of cigarettes and a can of lager.

Robert looked at him expectantly. “What?” Bill asked

“is that everything?  We will search you.”

Bill sighed and put in a large Cigar, another pack of cigarettes and a hip flask.

“You won’t be needing your wallet either.” Said Robert.  You’re enjoying this you slimy cunt, Bill thought.  Yet the smile from Celia melted his pugnacious spirit and he placed his wallet on the tray as well.  After this Bill, dressed in his purple linen robe was escorted into an ante room.  Celia didn’t follow.  As the door closed behind him he turned, surprised to see her not there.  That was when he was pushed against the wall and a further two hip flasks were taken from him, despite his protests. Realisation quickly dawned and he was not happy. All he had left was the ¼ litre flask and 2oz packet of tobacco with papers up his arse. Then again it couldn’t last forever and he was sure that Celia would come across very quickly. With this thought in mind he swaggered to the next room. Before him he saw a gurney and a length of house pipe. Perplexed he realised that ROBERT and some quite butch colleagues were propelling him towards the gurney and the next thing he knew he was strapped down and the hose pipe was snaking up his colon which worryingly was not as unpleasant as he had imagined. Needless to say the pipe found the last of the secret stache so he lay there, robed in purple, with a sore arse and no booze or fags. On the other hand Celia was still about and his life was changing so he staggered towards the exit door. On the other side he found  the leader naked as the day he was born, with open arms and a big smile on his face.  “Bill, so glad to see you here.  Come brother join me in worshiping our lords creation and remove your robe.”

The world had stopped.  The world had stopped and left Bill in the toilet.  That was the nearest explanation that entered Bill’s mind.  It was in this confusion that unseen hands undid and removed his robe.  As this was done Celia entered the room in all her glory.  Her pert breasts and toned body more than made up for her, now obvious ‘as nature entended’ and hirsute body.  Even the wisps of pubic hair that Bill didn’t even know could grow in such places, was an obscure turn on.  It had the obvious effect.

“ We’ll have none of that!” Screamed the, previously unseen, prima donna sized mustachio-ed female naked women who promptly whipped Bill’s engorged manhood with a birch. “Oh leader he needs the wax treatment, the devil is strong within him. Satan needs to be purged at once, allow me to expunge the devil from within him. Oh leader I can feel the force and know that I can beat him!”

“Begin the wax treatment” screamed the leader. With that Bill had his manhood strapped to a table, a table he noticed was early 17^th Century and worth a few pounds. The room however had become cold and his manhood had reacted accordingly which was quite embarrassing  as Celia was staring at him intently. However as she satcheed into the room he found his maleness returning and felt that once again he could face the future with confidence. Smiling smugly he began to wonder what the wax treatment actually was but luckily he did not have long to wait. Stroking his engorged member Celia smiled at him in a manner that could only mean one thing. Physiologically he responded accordingly whilst mentally he strayed and took his eye off the ball. Celia kept her eye on the ball and raising her arms above her head Bill was shocked to see that she was holding a large mallet, even more surprisingly she brought it down on his engorged member with extreme force resulting in the wax leaping from his ears and just before passing out he realised what the wax treatment was.

Awakening some time later Bill was aware of an excruciating  pain in his loins; his first thought was of Celia and he began to wonder just how good had he been to be left feeling like this but slowly realization began to dawn….. “Oh sweet Jesus” he screamed just as the leader entered his room.

“that’s the attitude young man, there is hope for you yet; now that I have witnessed your acceptance of our Lord I feel that we can move on to the next stage, get dressed and meet me in the refectory in 15 minutes.” With that he left with a swirl of his purple robe leaving Bill wondering just how he would escape from this madness. Dressing gingerly in sackcloth Y fronts and purple robe he made his way to the refectory. On a small dias at the front stood a flip chart and the leader.

“Welcome brother, now that we are all gathered I am pleased to inform you of the next stage in our plan, Operation Purify; as you will all be aware society today is full of filth, no matter where we turn we are confronted with pornographic images; in magazines; on billboards and in every aspect of modern life. Today we are going to start the battle to win back the moral high ground. Stage 1:

At night we will split into 3 groups, each group will be allocated an area of the city and will deface all offending material that is in the public eye, posters, advertisements public transport and anything which is morally abhorrent. To ensure that all are aware of our message all offending articles will be “tagged”. Our slogan will deface all these satanic images; yes brothers and sisters we will paint our slogan “ Christ Unites Nations Together” will spell our message to all, so go forth, gather your weapons and do Gods work.” With that he left. Bill and Celia were one group and had the city centre. In a whirl of pain and confusion Bill was led from shop to shop buying spray paint and taking notes of all offensive images in their area of operations. By 23:00 they were set and soon had painted their messages on several busses and advertising hoardings. Soon it was 00:30 and Bill was knackered, too knackered to stay up all night crusading so he suggested that they shorten their message well not the message but the means of expressing it, instead of painting the whole “Christ Unites Nations Together” they would just use the first letters of each word, delivering a stronger and much more eye catching slogan.,: an anacronym of their anarchy was a sound bite that struck a chord with his new bretheren.  It struck a chord so deep that no one noticed the word that they were now spraying on buses and bus shelters, on shop windows and bill boards.  By four o’clock they had finished and were exhausted.  A clapped out camper van picked up the avengers and followed the leaders limousine back to the retreat.

The following morning they all gathered in the dining room after the morning prayer and self flagellation.  Celia, with the back of her robe stained with blood began to look around the room for Bill.  He walked in last, fresh faced, the first morning in a long time that he had no hangover.

God, sex, alcohol and salvation

Hank appeared to be amused by the story and one look at Harriet told him that he shouldn’t be. He excused himself and went to the kitchen to make some more coffee. Maenwhile Celia and Harriet carried on the conversation. Harriet was not nearly as clean cut as Celia but she had a good heart and cared for people. She was in the fortunate position of being able to indulge her caring tendencies as her father gave her a considerable allowance meaning that she did not actually have to work for a living. In Celia she saw someone who was at heart a good person if a little misguided. As it transpired Celia had now found a worthwhile project in Bill. This was a little disconcerting as Harriet had decided to see if she could help Bill through his alcohol problem but then again she would now be able to spend more time with Hank. Now he was far from perfect himself but had a roguish charm all of his own. Not for one minute did she think that Hank was what he was pretending to be at the minute. His history was a fairly open book after all and despite the efforts at civilized behaviour over the last few days his true persona was never far from the surface and that was what made him interesting after all. So it was decided that Bill would be Celia’s project. That night she slept on the floor in his room to ensure that no demons were able to get to him. Next morning Hank was in the kitchen making bacon sandwiches whilst Bill was having his head held over the toilet. When he and Celia entered the Kitchen they sat at the table and Hank placed a large plate of sandwiches in front of them along with a pot of fresh coffee. They were flung back across the table at speed, at so much speed that Bill was unable to get one. He looked at Celia with a questioning look on his face.

“The lord does not want you to eat rotting flesh. He provides for us through nature without the need to murder his innocent creatures. From now on you will only eat naturally growing foods that have given up on life and are on the cusp of decomposure. In this way you will purge the evil that lurks in your body.”

“Hold on one minute Celia. I appreciate that you are trying to help me. Drink is my demon. I need to keep up my strength and vegetarian food wont do that. I need the nutrients that meat provides!”

“Satan is speaking from within you, you need to trust me and the Leaders teachings. Now we will leave this place and find what is needed. Come with me now and we find what God has provided for our morning meal.” With that Celia took him by the hand and led him from the house. Twenty minutes later he found himself on a council provided allotment watching Celia scrabbling in the earth. On the way she had explained that in AA they could eat food that had grown in the earth without aid from fertilizers or pest control measures of any kind. Coupled with this the food had to have reached maturity and so be dying. This he quickly figured meant eating rotting vegetables. Determined not to suffer such a fate he started backing away quietly from Celia who was under a bush picking some kind of berry from the ground. Unfortunately he backed into the Leader who was also out getting his breakfast.

“Children” said the leader, “I see you are harvesting the Lords bounty, and it makes me glad to see you both on the righteous path. You will find the coming days difficult, not least young Bill because of the new diet. Yes it will be an uncomfortable and windy path you have started upon but with our help and hard work on your behalf the Lord will enter you and give new meaning to your life. Now if you will excuse me I have my breakfast to find.” With that the leader set off on all fours into a gooseberry bush leaving Bill to wonder what exactly he had got himself into. One look at Celia convinced him that it was worth hanging in there a little bit longer. Like a vision she emerged from the bushes with her arms full of decaying vegetation and her face covered with a beaming smile which he just melted into.

Walking back to the flat having eaten their meagre breakfast, Bill was a little disconcerted by the noises erupting from her trousers but felt that the end result may make a little sacrifice seem insignificant. With the thought of her slim buttocks racing through his brain he absent mindedly walked into the road narrowly avoiding a bus in the process. He was rescued once again by Celia and his feelings were confirmed that his life had reached a crossroads and his lollypop lady had arrived. Meantime Celia was explaining their plans for the day. At that moment he shat himself.

Not literally, but with his recent abrupt change in diet, he was surprised he hadn’t.  The metaphorical defecation was as a result of hearing Celia’s planned itinerary.  Celia was beautiful, there was no questioning of the fact.  This made anything she did excusable.  Every female serial killer is ugly, it’s why the legal system, which is dominated by blokes, get sent down.  If Myra Hindley didn’t have a face like a rat catchers bait bag she’d be working in child care and head Akela of a scout movement today.  No Celia’s beauty painted a polished glaze over her plans after he thought about it.

So Bill was in church and was stood in the queue waiting to take communion.  Celia attended Mass every morning and wanted Bill to follow her pious example.  When she asked him had he been confirmed he said yes.  He thought she meant to ask if he had any previous problems in the bedroom department, but he had got firm a few times without the help of linked video and audio aids. Now, first in line to receive the holy sacrament, and with eyes closed and mouth open he waited to receive the holy eucharist on his tongue. This thought of receiving  the continuing form of the lords flesh on his tongue sent his mind racing and opening his eyes he saw the priest staring at him. In a flash Bill’s mind went into overdrive and he imagined that the guy in a white frock at the altar might be gay and want to place his meat on his tongue. With this thought in mind he stood up.  The priest looked at him, “Is there a problem?”

“Erm sorry, I’ve never..” He glanced at Celia who was frowning.  Fuck he had already lied to her about taking communion and began to doubt that it meant fellating the old bloke stood before him.  It was then that he recalled the priest mentioning bread.

“Er no father it’s just that erm, I have a wheat allergy, I forgot.” He smiled, quite pleased with his quick thinking.

“Well my son I’ll just give you a blessing and that will suffice.”  He placed his head on Bill’s head and mumbled a blessing.

“Cheers shipmate, are we done?”

“Erm yes my child there is just the rest of the sacrament, the blood of our lord.” with that he nodded towards the altar man holding the silver chalice.

“Blood of christ? So what exactly is that?”

“It is wine that…”  But he never got to finish the sentence as Bill briskly walked to the man and patted him on the shoulder.  There was a brief struggle as  Bill tried to take the cup form him saying “ alright Grandad I can feed myself an’all, hand the cup over!”