At that he heard the sirens and saw the reflected blue lights through the frosted glass of the front door. Relieved he slumped to the ground and awaited the paramedics. The sense of relief was short lived. Daz and Claire entered the house and stood transfixed for some time. Both had been paramedics for some time and had seen the whole gambit of what humanity could offer but the sight before them beggared belief. A short red haired lady lay before them, apparently comatose but smiling smugly whilst someone who looked like he was training for a part as an extra in Shindlers List was slumped in the corner with what looked like an enormous exotic snake eating his groin. Claire immediately grabbed a nearby broom and attacked the offending reptile with all the vigour that she could muster whilst the patient tried desperately to escape the monster which was holding on with all its might. Daz meanwhile was hiding in a corner too scared to intervene, he couldn’t help but feel the dread and fear that the patient must be feeling having his manhood munched by some demon reptile that obviously had a taste for man flesh. Bill was screaming at Claire to get off but she didn’t appear to be paying much attention as she continued to battle with the monster between his legs. Crawling up the wall he managed to turn away from the assault and pulled his manhood after him but alas it was all to no avail. Not to be out done Claire renewed her assault with fresh vigour, she pulled Bill by the head and threw him to the ground, laying him on his back she raised the broom above her head and prepared to deliver the coup de grace. It took all her effort to stop the blow mid air when realisation suddenly dawned on her, there was no python eating this mans groin, no reptile gorging itself on the nether regions of some unfortunate; just the weirdest looking penis she had ever seen. Falling to her knees she took the beast into both her hands and examined it thoroughly whilst its owner just lay there staring at her. A feeling of awe spread through her as she gently massaged the length before her and she was unable to stop herself continuing up and down its entire length which just appeared to get bigger and bigger the more she massaged it. She briefly felt guilty and unprofessional until she glanced at the owners face and saw him close his eyes and slide blissfully into the fully prone position, he was obviously enjoying the experience. It was almost as if she switched to automatic as her mouth closed the gap with the mutant penis, she felt giddy and hornier than at any other time in her life, she just had to have it in her mouth, the trouble being that she couldn’t fit the damned thing in, her mouth just wasn’t big enough. Well Claire was no quitter so she attacked the problem with more vigour and eventually with much salivation and pushing and tugging the tip squeezed into her peridontal atrium. Fear suddenly coursed through her veins as the realisation struck, much too late, that the damned thing could kill her. If it became wedged there was every chance that it could occlude her airway and stop her breathing With the rising sense of panic she struggled to remove the obstruction from her mouth but the more she wriggled and pulled the more engorged and stuck became the obstruction. It was becoming harder and harder to breathe and she felt herself drifting into unconsciousness. The last thought to go through her head was how ridiculous, her parents would be mortified and the lads at work would have a bloody field day.
One of the lads from work was at that minute building up the courage to come to the aid of his partner. With a sudden burst of energy he sprang from his crouching position and charged the length of the hall only to be stopped dead in his tracks. Before him lay the original short red haired lady, still comatose and smiling smugly and beside her lay the patient, still with the snake attached but more worryingly the creature had somehow managed to get its tail stuck in Claires throat. She was lying there also, unconscious and prostrate, this had got totally out of hand and he would need some assistance so he sprinted for the ambulance and called for two more wagons to attend.
Things in A/E were quiet for a change. The staff were enjoying the down time, playing games on the computers and having extra breaks. Time was passing very slowly indeed as they waited for home time. Hank sat at the nurses station clock watching. As soon as the shift was over he was off to the social club for a few jars with some people from work. Ever since the sponsored sleep he had been slowly getting back to the position he once held, his star was in the ascendant again. Once more he could arse about with impunity and hurl insults at all those around him whilst they all passed it off as his cheeky Oirish brogue. Just then the bat phone went “Oh shit he thought, a bloody emergency coming in 15 minutes before he was due to hand over and go for a drink. With a sense of impending doom he lifted the receiver to his ear:
“A/E, charge nurse speaking”
“This is ambulance control, just calling to tell you that there are 3 casualties on their way to you, they should be arriving in approximately 15 minutes.”
“Do you have any details on the extent of their injuries.”
“Ahem, yes. The first casualty is one of our paramedics aged 27. She has a foreign body stuck in her mouth which is partially occluding her airway. She is receiving supplementary oxygen through nasal speculum and is, well, ahem, well she is attached to the second casualty actually. He is a man in his mid twenties who was found in a semi conscious condition, we have no information on any obvious injuries to him. The third casualty is a young woman with no apparent injuries, in a state of delirium slipping in and out of consciousness. That’s all that we have for now”.
“Sorry fella but you really haven’t told me anything. I mean what caused the accident, how long ago did it happen, how is one casualty attached to the other, come on give me something to work with here.”
“I am really sorry but we are finding it impossible to get any sense out of our people on the ground. All communications are punctuated by raucous laughter and the crews seem unable to tell us anything. The whole thing is really puzzling actually.”
“Well thank you for your honesty, I’ll just wait and see what happens then.”
With that he hung up the phone and sorted out some staff to work in resus, told the registrar on duty what little he knew and waited for the ambulances to arrive.
10 minutes later an ambulance crashed just outside the department. Rushing outside Hank was in time to see the back doors swing open and a paramedic fall to the ground holding his sides. Simultaneously the drivers door opened and the driver also fell to the ground and started to roll around. Hank sprinted to them whilst shouting for help. As soon as he arrived he knew that there was something desperately wrong. The paramedics were in fits of laughter and every time they seemed to be calming down they just looked at each other and burst out laughing again. Due to the fact that they were both able to laugh he realised that they were not seriously injured so decided to look inside. The last thing he expected was to see Bill staring back at him but there he was larger than life with a confused grin on his face and a paramedic crouching over his lower half.”
“All right mate? What you doing in the ambulance and what is Claire doing sitting on your lap? Actually could you give me a hand with these two idiots?”
“Mmmmm. Is anyone else on duty mate. I’m actually a casualty you see and well Claire is kind of stuck to me. Look I don’t know all the details but I am pretty sure that it is all going to be very embarrassing for all concerned and I am sure you will understand when I say that perhaps you are not the most diplomatic of people and that perhaps someone else should deal with the situation.”
Hank looked at his mate aghast. There was some funny shit going down and there was no way he was going to miss a moment of it. He thought that Bill knew him better than that.
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