“Don’t you shipwreck me you skate bastards” shouted the RSM.”Whatever you fucking did I am going to find out , and when I do you are totally fucked, fucked I tell you, totally fucked….”
“Sergeant major” interrupted Bill,” your profound lack of suitable vocabulary astounds me. As a very senior NCO I would expect a greater understanding of the English Language but as you are a Royal Marine I suppose we will have to forgive you. So Colonel sir, what appears to be the problem and can we help in any way?”.
“Well chaps, I am not sure of all the facts but am pretty sure that you two are responsible for the debacle of an exercise, I have just witnessed a scene from Dante’s inferno on Dartmoor . My career is in tatters and you two have came out of it looking like heroes. As the RSM said I will get you; and Mason tell that lump of Irish shite not to sleep on my parade square.
“Hank, wake up”, said Bill giving a sly kick.
“ wazzat? Fuck, look at my hand, wow… where am I?”
“shut the fuck up fella, the boss is here.” he leaned down and in what he thought was a whisper, “seems like we’re in the shit.”
“There is no seems about it Mason, outside my office, now” the RSM then turned to the CO, “with your permission sir I’ll deal with these two.”
The CO looked at Hank, prostrate on his parade ground. His career was over, BBC radio 2 was already reporting the fiasco and he knew that Whitehall nine o’clock . He didn’t have the stomach to deal with these two.
“Yes carry on sergeant major”
Outside the RSM’s office Bill and Hank tried to get their stories straight.
“So we made the still for charity then?” said Hank, “Is that what we’re going with?”.
“What still?” asked Bill.
“Fella we made a still and commandeered a whole pile of Navy spuds. You kept getting in the shit so that they got peeled and I volunteered for kitchen duties.”
“Gen mate?”
“Yeah, proper pucker gen, queens eyebrows.”
“Fuck, how much did we make?”
“Not too sure but I have lost two weeks of my life and we need to account for them sharpish!”.
“Right, no worries, we had nothing to do with the still OK. Whilst on galley duty we were asked to make the tea urns up and so used what we thought was sterile water. Unbeknownst to us the sterile water was moonshine and everyone got pissed, then we just suss out what actually happened and blame all the others. They cant pin a thing on us or else we would be over the wall already.”
“That’s a fair one fella, plead ignorance, if Marines know anything its ignorance.”
The RSM walked past them and into his office, the two could heat him sit down and let out a groan. Not an every day groan. It was the expulsion of air they recognised. They had had many a hangover and made similar sounds. It could only mean one thing. The RSM was pissed. And as he was on the exercise with them, and even though they had alcohol induced amnesia, it didn’t take a Sherlock to realise that he must have been drinking the moonshine as well. Things were looking up.
“Get in here, now”
Hank was confident, too confident.
“Alright Royal, wind your neck in, we’re coming”
The RSM had a bulging temple as he said this. “Kelly you have no idea the shit you are in.”
“And you have no idea how much cack your wading through either shipwreck, unless you want to do a breath test? Unless of course you have another reason for being pissed in the middle of nowhere? Hey, fuckwit? Not looking to smart now are we?.”
The RSM looked exasperated. It was his mistake. The guys had no clue as to what had gone on, Hank just took a wild guess, it paid off. Bill just put the final nail in the coffin.
“Look, podgers, it can go either two ways, the police think we’re great, being survival experts and the like. No-one has a clue about the still, except us. In fact the only guy who is completely in the dark is the CO. And if you can get that green beret ferret of a head from up his arse then the lot of us can come clean from all this. That is unless you want the fleet to know about your tutu.”
In 27 years of fighting service, the RSM surrendered for the first time.
God he felt abused, no worse, a couple of Navy piss heads had him over a barrel and it felt wrong, wrong on each and every level. Two years to pension and he owed the colonel fuck all. No way was he going to let his unblemished record be ruined by this.
“Right lads, it’s a fair one, you fucking have me, but we all need a story so what’s it to be?”
“Shippers” said Bill “its dead simple. None of us knew a thing. We were in your tent getting some extra field craft training when we heard an explosion. Obviously we rushed outside and rendered assistance where it was needed. Endex”
“That wont wash you twat. How do I account for the Tutu? Why did you 2 run 10miles to a pub? Why did the tents burn down? Where the fucking hell are my Marines? And last but not least where the hell are the vehicles gone? We need better than that.”
“Chill Royal” said Hank. “It was all part of the exercise, for the sake of realism you made a real explosion and ensured that chaos ensued. Thus able to fully assess the temperament of those under your command you sent us to get help, and the rest as they say is history.”
“it’s six o’clock , this is the BBC News desk. Our main headline for today is a Royal Navy Exercise, involving elements of the Royal Marines and the Royal Navy Medical Support Service ended in disaster in the early hours of this morning when an explosion occurred destroying the camp. At first terrorist activity was thought to be the cause but now it has evolved that poor quality generators have been the cause. Over now to our military correspondent in Devon …”
“Thanks Hugh, it seemed to be a normal run of the mill exercise this morning until an explosion that could be heard up to ten miles away caused havoc in this military camp. The camp comprised of nurses and royal marines was caught off guard and left without any hope, in the middle of nowhere, that is except for two brave Naval nurses, who despite their injuries managed to crawl ten miles to the nearest settlement, a pub, to summon help. I’m joined by the landlord, Arthur Pew. Mr Pew what first alerted you to the brave sailors plea for help?”
“well I first heard what I thought was singing , then the sound of breaking glass…….”
The television was turned off. The prime minister sighed and looked to his PR advisor.
“So what really happened?”
“Well that is difficult, depends on what is best to believe. If you want the out and out truth it seems two sailors, the guys who were breaking in to the pub, set up a still which got the entire camp drunk then by some accident blew it up. That is more less what really happened. However there is a more politically better answer.”
“what is that?”
“Well the CO, who incidentally is two months from retiring, failed to get the generators checked, they consequently blew up the camp. These two sailors then crawled ten miles to get help. I have a police inspector and the RSM who will confirm this version.”
“So what your saying is I can have a version of bootleg pissheads destroying a medical military facility, or two heroes, crawling for the rescue of a camp…. They will have to meet the queen, get some kind of award. Does the Victoria cross cover this?”
“No but we’ll come up with something, I think one of them is Irish so we’ll get a quote for the good Friday agreement as well. Can’t hurt can it.”
“So Chief Kelly, how do you feel now that your heroism has been recognised and awarded.?”
“Well as I said to the queen, I really have no clear recollection of the incident. I am told that I was a hero but together with PO Mason we just done what had to be done. You know I am just a simple Irish fella trying to do what is best and the fact that this has been recognised gives me an immense sense of pride, not just for me but for the service and the silent Irishmen who serve in the Royal Navy asking for no recognition but the fact that they do a decent days work.”
Three gold buttons gleaming on his sleeve Hank wallowed in his celebrity but things were not all rosey in the garden. Inside there was a gap, a huge gaping hole, something was missing and had been for some time. What a fool he had been, the answer was simple and staring him in the face; Guinness, that’s what he needed and what with all the press interviews and opening of supermarkets and the like he just hadn’t had time to indulge recently but now was the time to change all that. He got straight on the phone to Bill, sure that he was feeling the same.
“You all right mate, just wondering if you fancied a few pints down the Stoke?”
“Cant at the minute fella, got a couple of jobs on and Rosey is expecting me home after.”
“Ah, right, what’s the job then?”
“Well I am judging a jam competition at the WRVS at the minute and then I have a booking with the league of prohibitionist pioneers to discuss the benefits of life without alcohol.”
“What? you? But you’re a piss head , you love a beer and spend most of your free time either on the floor or at the bar. How can you in all honesty stand in front of those good Christian fellows and extol the virtues of abstinence with a straight face? Come on, we’ll have a few after and have a laugh at the wankers at the same time.”
“Just stop there” screamed Bill. “You are not going to ruin this for me. Finally I have respect from people in the street and a purpose in life. My misses is in love with me and I’m earning enough money with these extra jobs to live a comfortable life and neither you nor anyone else will take that away from me. Look fella, I don’t want to fall out with you but I am on to a good thing and think that we should do our own things for a while. I am sure that you understand. Now I have to go, I’ll give you bell sometime.” With that he hung up.
Needless to say Hank was stunned. How could his mate speak to him like that. Who the fuck did he think he was. All he did was ask him out for a bloody drink and in return he was shunned , chastised, blanked and kicked into touch. Well Bill probably needed his space. It cant have been easy recently what with the extension and all that. He’d just head down the pub himself and have few pints and with any luck his hero status would ensure that at least a few of them were gratis.
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