Yep

The  smoke was blackening the sky and the screams and explosions, combined with the sirens from all three of the emergency services could have been a scene from Dante.  The CO of Med sqn saw all this from his passenger seat in his landrover.  With a wince he noticed  the camera crews from the media were getting it all.

He was used to this, he was a Colonel in the Royal Marines and had a service history of pretty much every conflict over the past thirty years.  He had seen how war can turn humanity into savages and how it can destroy communities and tear families apart.  However this wasn’t a war zone, this was Dartmoor.  This was supposed to be a medical exercise for the Navy nurses from Plymouth. 

He stood on top of his landrover.  Years of being a military commander would enable him to sort this out.  Time to put his experience to practice

“Sergeant Major!”  He bellowed to the crowd, hoping that someone would respond.  What he didn’t expect to see was an overweight man in a tutu and a straw hat staggering over to him.

“Sah”  said the man, trying to remain vertical.

“Get yourself sorted.  You are a disgrace.  Get an officer to liase with the media and the corporals to muster the troops.  I want to know what’s happened here.”  He walked away, to higher ground, to survey the scene.

The hospital complex appeared undamaged.  The accommodation tents burnt to the ground, together with three trucks, what looked like the galley and the crater on the perimeter he assumed to be the generator and fuel dump.

It could be terrorists.  But what fighting groups would dress the sergeant major in a tutu.  No not terrorists.  More than likely alcohol.  Mix highly trained soldiers with boredom and alcohol and you get carnage, that was what his commanding officer said to him when he was a young 2^nd lieutenant.  He began to wish it was terrorists.  At least then he wouldn’t be blamed.

It would soon be sunrise, and the light would make it easier to understand the ground and may provide a clue as to what had happened.  He walked down the hill as he heard shouts from the RSM getting things in order.

As he approached the troops the RSM brought them to attention.  Turned on his heel, staggered slightly and marched towards him saluting smartly.  “Troops ready Sah”.

The CO sniffed the air,  an alcoholic haze seemed to surround the RSM.  “All accounted for?”

“Er no Sah.  Hank and Bill, I Mean PO Kelly and LNN Bill, I mean Mason appear to be missing sir”

“Right,  has anyone been able to check the accommodation area for bodies.  Any casualties?”

“None sah.  It’s a miracle no one was affected.”

Hmm, a miracle he thought.  Yes it was lucky that  no one was hurt.  But two missing men.  Kelly and Mason, those names stuck a chord in his mind.  Where had he heard those names before?

“Captain Smyth.”  He called.  Capt Smyth was Med sqn Adjutant.  The man who was supposed to be responsible for the actual running of the camp.  Captain Smyth approached.  Smelling slightly of alcohol he saluted the CO.  The CO looked at him.  Something was amiss. 

“Adjutant get me the nominal of the nurses that was sent  from Plymouth please.  I want to see the report sent by the matron on the two missing nurses.”

“Er actually sir all the paperwork was destroyed in the fire sir.”

“Well go to my car and get my copy from my brief case.  Oh and Captain Smyth”

“Sir?”

“Wipe that make up from your face, the press are here”

Ten minutes later the sun rose as the CO looked over the list of names sent by CDR Garlick, the hospital matron from Plymouth.  For some reason Kelly and Mason had their names written in bold with an asterix.  He glanced down to the foot note.  It read “best to keep these men apart”

Of Course, he remembered questioning this when he first saw the nominal.  He phoned CDR Garlick especially to find out what she had meant.

“Well,” she had said “They are very good nurses, and if I was kind I would say they are very good for morale.”

“Ah, and if you were not kind, what would be your unofficial opinion be Julie?”

“Well simon the two of them are a couple of loose cannons.  Very good at what they do but get bored very easily and can always have some plan or other to help relieve the boredom.  Kelly has a knack of finding alcohol, he could get drunk at a mormon wedding, and Bill would probably get the mother of the bride in bed.  Separately they are a bit raucous, together they are a disaster.  But they do make a run ashore a night to remember.  Just keep them dry and you should have no problems”

He looked around the remenants of the camp.  The two were missing and the adjutant and RSM were dressed as women and smelt of alcohol.  In the middle of the moor they were drunk.  Everyone had been searched prior to the exercise and he had overseen the supply to the camp over the past two weeks to ensure that no booze got into the camp.  He looked over the supply list again to make sure.

Water, ten man ration packs, ammunition, 40 kg of potato, bread, fruit, 40 kg of potato, yeast, diesel, extra sleeping bags, 40 kg of potato.

Nothing too out of the ordinary. But then why so much potato.  He looked at the request slips for the potato.  Nothing to out of the ordinary.  He looked at the signature.

“Sargeant Major?”

“SAH”

“Do we have a Cpl Mouse here?”

“No Sah”

“A corporal Mickey Mouse?”

“No Sah”  Fuck.  Thought the CO. It was beginning to make sense now.

“Excuse me are you in charge here?”  The CO turned to see a police officer , an inspector no less.

“Yes I am.  Colonel Simon Kennedy.”

“Inspector holmes.  Are you missing two men by any chance?”

“Ah Yes, two nurses.  Mason and Kelly.  Why?”

“well we have them, they’re ten miles away, outside a pub,  a bit worse for wear.  Lucky really they found the pub in the middle of nowhere.  Otherwise they could be out there on some hill, we might never have found them.  Good job they have that training.”

“what training”

“Well according to my constable they have minor burns and no eyebrows.  Speaking incoherently, must be due to shock.  But to think they can walk ten miles and with no maps find a pub, the only settlement for miles around, in their condition.  I’m amazed.  What would like me to do with them?  Bring them here?”

The CO looked over to the Press. “Er no, would you take them back to the barracks please.  I’ll speak to them when I’ve finished here.”

Outside the “The Hangmans Knot Inn” the two fellas were at a total loss. Memories were drifting back in dribs and drabs. Bill remembered potatoes and looking for punishment. He recalled wanting to peel spuds and that none of them were eaten. Hank on the other hand remembered very little. He remembered a dry week. Also there was the huge pile of spuds and  people wondering why a PO was keen to peel them. The morning was cold and there were police present but neither could recall doing anything wrong. They were definitely pissed and feeling absolutely shite but that was as far as their collective memory stretched. The coppers were offering to take them back to Plymouth and that was as good as it could get. So quite happily they crawled into the back of the Panda and got chaufferred home.

Or so they thought.  They awoke to the sound of the car pulling up outside brigade HQ.

“Right fellas, this is where we drop you off.  By the way, the lads have been talking and we’re so impressed by you two.  Don’t know how you did it,  I mean to escape that disaster with the skin of your teeth and then find that pub.  Jeez you navy guys are made of stern stuff.”

The policeman in the passenger seat agreed.  “yeah guys good effort, listen we’re doing a charity ball next week, we were gonna have larry spears do the speech, as the guest of honour but would appreciate it if you two would after tonight..”

Bill and Hank looked at each other, neither one of them had a clue what the fuck they were going on about.  As far as they were concerned, having sobered up, they had destroyed a military field hospital with an improvised still, and still pissed had tried to break into a pub in the middle of nowhere.  When the flashing blue lights turned up they simply expected a kicking and a night in the cells, not to be invited as guest speaker at the policmans ball.  Maybe this time they had done something right.  It was at this point, both of them smiling, having reached the same positive conclusion, they saw the RSM and CO approaching the car.  With their new found confidence they stepped out of the panda. 

“hey alright shipwrecks, have we got a dit for you cunts”  said Hank with a wry smile.  The two of them were not smiling for long.