With renewed vigour they set about planning the entrapment of Claire and how best to shoot the video.
“Will ah be sheggin a real corpse like” asked Al.
“No mate, we’ve got a whore lined up to play the corpse and we just have break in to the mortuary and film you doing her on the slab.”
“Oh” Al said disappointedly finishing off his Cleggy. “If yews cannae get a whore like..”
“No Al we have a whore.”
“Ah well so, but bear it in mind eh?”
Bill knew one of the mortuary attendants but unfortunately he was a clean living christian sort of fella and getting his keys could prove difficult.
“Well maybe I should phone work and do a shift. Be easy to get to the morgue then” Bill got out his new phone with Hank staring at intently. Poor bloke thought Bill. He often forgot that his lifestyle must seem luxorius to Hank, with his house, his clean and ironed clothes, his meals cooked for him. Well not his meals but that was a problem he would have to sort later.
“Hello A&E Sister speaking”
“Hello mary it’s Bill.”
“Hello Bill, How’s the course going?”
“Er fine” Fuck, what course thought Bill.” Listen Mary I’m available for a few shifts this week so if your short I can do a couple. Or the odd one anyway”
“oh fantastic, you couldn’t do this afternoon could you, It’s just that it’s been mad here, must be a full moon, honestly you would not believe it. A blind man has been ran over because someone pinched his dog, a man has just come in with bilateral femur fractures as someone pinched his ladder from under him and we’ve just removed an umbrella from this man’s, well best not say over the phone.”
Bill looked at his pint, his dishevelled appearance and thought of the pressing need to save Hanks skin. “Sure, can you get me a uniform.” He hung up downed his pint and looked at Hank and Al. Al was trying to focus on something, anything, whereas Hank’s gaze was settled on Bill’s phone on the table.
“we’re on fellas.”
The shift passed quietly, staff asked Bill about his progress on his course to which Bill gave non committal answers. He kept looking at the Bat Phone, the early warning system the ambulance crews used to warn staff of an urgent case. It was eerily silent, if no-one died soon he would have to come up with an excuse to get down to the morgue. He went for a tab and looked at the student nurse he’d been suckered with for that shift. She was only eighteen and this was her first shift in A&E. He thought back to his first shift when he qualified, with Hank. He was lucky really, Hank was a loose cannon but could not be arsed with all the dull practical jokes the others did to the new ones. No his jokes were far more cruel. He looked at the student and an idea formed.
“Amanda, have you ever seen a dead body?”
“No she timidly replied.
“Good, I mean I think it’s time you did. Give me ten minutes to sort it then head off to the morgue and Dave the attendant will sort you out. Nice bloke so don’t be afraid.”
As she left Bill got out his phone “Hank be outside the Morgue in half an hour” and ran down to the morgue.
“I’m not sure Bill” Dave was a decent bloke and still lived at home with his mum even though he was forty eight. That was Bill’s advantage.
“Yeah but mate this girl is a bit of alright and the ladies love a guy with a sense of humour, tell you what do this for us and we’ll get her out for a coffee after work. She’s a nice girl, I think she mentioned something about a prayer group tonight but I’m sure she’ll want to join us after this”
Dave’s expression gave nothing away. “ Well, I suppose..” Got you you fucker Bill thought.
The Girl entered the morgue and was nervous when entering the brightly lit, stainless steel room. She expected to be sickened by a smell of death but instead was greeted by a sterile odour and an even more sterile weedy looking man in cords and sandals.
“Hello, you must be Amanda, don’t worry, it will be okay. Do you want to step this way” He led her to a small door at waist height then opened it and a life size filing cabinet drawer was opened to reveal a body, covered in a starched white sheet. Dave grabbed the head end and before he removed it, looked to the nervous student and said “Ready?” She nodded and leaned closer. He pulled back the sheet like a magician would a table cloth as Bill leapt up screaming at the top of his voice. Amanda turned and ran as fast as she could. Bill was choking on his laughter, Dave was not so sure but couldn’t contain a wry smile.
“Hey Dave if you thought she was great you should see the other one.”
“The other one?”
“yeah her mate, hey why don’t we do it to her too?”
“No Bill I couldn’t, I couldn’t keep a straight face” Sometimes, Bill thought, Life is too easy.
“that’s okay fella, this time you play the body” They swapped places, Bill slammed the door shut, locked it then called Hank.
Hank, Al and Dora arrived outside the hospital in a taxi after having picked up some ice from an off licence. Al was really very pissed but incredibly excited about having a starring role in a movie. Dora was in seventh heaven after her second trip in a car and the promise of three pounds sixty and a bag of chips. They made their way to the mortuary to be met by Bill laughing hysterically outside. It took some time for him to calm down but when he did he explained what he had done and got congratulated all round, Dora even tried to kiss him but he ran to the sanctuary of the post mortem room. They all entered and Hank started setting up the camera on its tripod whilst directing Al and Dora to get acquainted. Al was far from happy; “If I am a porn star mateys, then ah need a fluffer, an am no doin it unless I get fluffed!” Hank busied himself with the camera equipment and asked Bill to sort it out. Bill tried to convince Dora to do the necessary but she demurred stating that as the leading lady there was no way she would perform fluffing duties, she was after all an artiste. The camera equipment was taking an awful long time to set up so Bill quickly realised that he was on his own. He put on a pair of gloves and gingerly approached Al and took his member in his hand. Al smiled benignly upon him and gave him directions which, gagging on his vomit he carried out to the best of his ability before finally collapsing in self repugnant indignation saying that he could do no more and moving to the sink to wash his hands and ears thoroughly. Just a she was finishing Dora demanded to be fluffed also and turning Bill saw Hank shuffling nervously back to the tripod.
“Oh no you fucking don’t “ screamed Bill.
“What” asked Hank all innocence.
“I fluffed that bag of Scotch shite and I aint doin her, endex, it aint happenin’”
“Fella, be reasonable.” Said Hank holding up his hands.
“Reasonable! Fucking reasonable, I’ve just done a Aberdeen Handshake on that jock and now you want me to go on the wicked witch of the west now. I reckon it’s time you started pulling your weight.”
“I think we both know that’s asking a bit much,” said Hank with a cheeky grin.
“Eh?”
“It was a joke mate, pulling my weight, large bloke like myself, Jeez Bill what’s happened to your sense of humour? Fuck Fella you need to chill.” Hank still had the wide grin.
“What’s funny about that?”
“We’re in a morgue! Chill! Oh for fucks sake, we’re lagging behind and this camera gear doesn’t set itself up you know. So Chop chop, don’t let the team down.”
“Hang on I never said I…”
Hank was already walking away, “That’s the spirit shippers, let us know when he’s done Dora.”
Dora winked. Bill complied. Hank smiled. The next view Hank had was far from pleasant. Dora had stuck her behind through a doughnut shaped implement and Bill was crouched behind antagonising her rusty sheriffs badge. It was time to get on with things so he called for the attention of everyone present and gave a stirring speech with regards their mission and what it meant for humanity, only to be interrupted by Dora who unleashed a torrent of…..something into Bills face.
Bill froze, not wanting to breathe, open his eyes, nothing. Al was no help, he’d been keeping himself ‘on form’ during all of this and on seeing the squirt of liquid hit Bill was now doubled up in laughter. Hank took some time to come to his senses. He realised that Bill was not moving.
“Bill? Bill mate?”
But Bill was not moving.
“Bill? C’mon fella”
“Hmm” It was in an unnaturally high tone.
“Bill say something” Hank didn’t want to touch him, “ BILL Come on mate”
“Hmm”
Bill Still hadn’t moved. Hank guided him to his feet, “C’mon mate have a seat over here”
“Hmm” He sat Bill done and donned some gloves and removed the fluid from his face but Bill still wasn’t moving.
“Look mate, you sit this one out, we can crack on from here, eh? Sound like a plan dude?”
“Hmm”
With that the plan moved on. Al was supreme and Dora fell in love. In the end they had to stop the two of them and Hank was worried about Bill. Throughout the whole episode he just sat mumbling, “hmmmm” or words to that effect. Al did not want to finish, indeed he couldn’t which upset Dora immensely. She felt that she was not a whole woman, that she could not please her man which of course defeated the whole purpose of the video. On reflection Hank felt that he had enough raw footage for his purposes so he could now have some fun. Much to his surprise Al opened a fridge..
In retrospect as they discussed later the two of them should have planned the finer details . The fluffing, obviously was something that would effect Bill for some time and although they said nothing to the effect they both knew they would never, ever talk about it again. The details that they should have discussed, they agreed, concerned the little things. Like telling Al not touch anything whilst in the morgue, especially the fridges where the bodies were kept. And little details like, which fridge had dave the mortician in. and details like locking the mortuary door, or in the event of security turning up, the quickest way out of the hospital.
His screams, dave the morticians, were loud when Al opened the drawer and tried to stick his cock in his mouth. Als screams as the supposedly dead body moved and head butted his member were bone chilling. The shouts from Dora of “ Don’t tell me your Gay Al?!” Was what finally alerted the authorities.
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