God, sex, alcohol and salvation

Hank appeared to be amused by the story and one look at Harriet told him that he shouldn’t be. He excused himself and went to the kitchen to make some more coffee. Maenwhile Celia and Harriet carried on the conversation. Harriet was not nearly as clean cut as Celia but she had a good heart and cared for people. She was in the fortunate position of being able to indulge her caring tendencies as her father gave her a considerable allowance meaning that she did not actually have to work for a living. In Celia she saw someone who was at heart a good person if a little misguided. As it transpired Celia had now found a worthwhile project in Bill. This was a little disconcerting as Harriet had decided to see if she could help Bill through his alcohol problem but then again she would now be able to spend more time with Hank. Now he was far from perfect himself but had a roguish charm all of his own. Not for one minute did she think that Hank was what he was pretending to be at the minute. His history was a fairly open book after all and despite the efforts at civilized behaviour over the last few days his true persona was never far from the surface and that was what made him interesting after all. So it was decided that Bill would be Celia’s project. That night she slept on the floor in his room to ensure that no demons were able to get to him. Next morning Hank was in the kitchen making bacon sandwiches whilst Bill was having his head held over the toilet. When he and Celia entered the Kitchen they sat at the table and Hank placed a large plate of sandwiches in front of them along with a pot of fresh coffee. They were flung back across the table at speed, at so much speed that Bill was unable to get one. He looked at Celia with a questioning look on his face.

“The lord does not want you to eat rotting flesh. He provides for us through nature without the need to murder his innocent creatures. From now on you will only eat naturally growing foods that have given up on life and are on the cusp of decomposure. In this way you will purge the evil that lurks in your body.”

“Hold on one minute Celia. I appreciate that you are trying to help me. Drink is my demon. I need to keep up my strength and vegetarian food wont do that. I need the nutrients that meat provides!”

“Satan is speaking from within you, you need to trust me and the Leaders teachings. Now we will leave this place and find what is needed. Come with me now and we find what God has provided for our morning meal.” With that Celia took him by the hand and led him from the house. Twenty minutes later he found himself on a council provided allotment watching Celia scrabbling in the earth. On the way she had explained that in AA they could eat food that had grown in the earth without aid from fertilizers or pest control measures of any kind. Coupled with this the food had to have reached maturity and so be dying. This he quickly figured meant eating rotting vegetables. Determined not to suffer such a fate he started backing away quietly from Celia who was under a bush picking some kind of berry from the ground. Unfortunately he backed into the Leader who was also out getting his breakfast.

“Children” said the leader, “I see you are harvesting the Lords bounty, and it makes me glad to see you both on the righteous path. You will find the coming days difficult, not least young Bill because of the new diet. Yes it will be an uncomfortable and windy path you have started upon but with our help and hard work on your behalf the Lord will enter you and give new meaning to your life. Now if you will excuse me I have my breakfast to find.” With that the leader set off on all fours into a gooseberry bush leaving Bill to wonder what exactly he had got himself into. One look at Celia convinced him that it was worth hanging in there a little bit longer. Like a vision she emerged from the bushes with her arms full of decaying vegetation and her face covered with a beaming smile which he just melted into.

Walking back to the flat having eaten their meagre breakfast, Bill was a little disconcerted by the noises erupting from her trousers but felt that the end result may make a little sacrifice seem insignificant. With the thought of her slim buttocks racing through his brain he absent mindedly walked into the road narrowly avoiding a bus in the process. He was rescued once again by Celia and his feelings were confirmed that his life had reached a crossroads and his lollypop lady had arrived. Meantime Celia was explaining their plans for the day. At that moment he shat himself.

Not literally, but with his recent abrupt change in diet, he was surprised he hadn’t.  The metaphorical defecation was as a result of hearing Celia’s planned itinerary.  Celia was beautiful, there was no questioning of the fact.  This made anything she did excusable.  Every female serial killer is ugly, it’s why the legal system, which is dominated by blokes, get sent down.  If Myra Hindley didn’t have a face like a rat catchers bait bag she’d be working in child care and head Akela of a scout movement today.  No Celia’s beauty painted a polished glaze over her plans after he thought about it.

So Bill was in church and was stood in the queue waiting to take communion.  Celia attended Mass every morning and wanted Bill to follow her pious example.  When she asked him had he been confirmed he said yes.  He thought she meant to ask if he had any previous problems in the bedroom department, but he had got firm a few times without the help of linked video and audio aids. Now, first in line to receive the holy sacrament, and with eyes closed and mouth open he waited to receive the holy eucharist on his tongue. This thought of receiving  the continuing form of the lords flesh on his tongue sent his mind racing and opening his eyes he saw the priest staring at him. In a flash Bill’s mind went into overdrive and he imagined that the guy in a white frock at the altar might be gay and want to place his meat on his tongue. With this thought in mind he stood up.  The priest looked at him, “Is there a problem?”

“Erm sorry, I’ve never..” He glanced at Celia who was frowning.  Fuck he had already lied to her about taking communion and began to doubt that it meant fellating the old bloke stood before him.  It was then that he recalled the priest mentioning bread.

“Er no father it’s just that erm, I have a wheat allergy, I forgot.” He smiled, quite pleased with his quick thinking.

“Well my son I’ll just give you a blessing and that will suffice.”  He placed his head on Bill’s head and mumbled a blessing.

“Cheers shipmate, are we done?”

“Erm yes my child there is just the rest of the sacrament, the blood of our lord.” with that he nodded towards the altar man holding the silver chalice.

“Blood of christ? So what exactly is that?”

“It is wine that…”  But he never got to finish the sentence as Bill briskly walked to the man and patted him on the shoulder.  There was a brief struggle as  Bill tried to take the cup form him saying “ alright Grandad I can feed myself an’all, hand the cup over!”