There was a bit of a lull in the department for a while, people were becoming wary of being seen talking to either of them. Bill, always a thinker thought that something had to be done to rehabilitate the two of them back into the CO’s and the departments good books and so he brought it up in the pub that afternoon. After 12 pints they had made the first of many plans: people needed a opportunity to let their hair down and to feel good about doing it. The only option that seemed right was a charity function, raise some money for a good cause and then have a bit of a do in the evening. But which charity, something close to the CO’s heart, that would go down well, but what? A half bottle of Jameson later they had it. All that was needed was to find a charity for the follically challenged, that could come later but they needed to work out what they could do for the fundraising. Hank was totally against the idea of anything too physical and Bill didn’t feel that a three legged pub crawl was the answer to the problem. This wasn’t going to be easy.

On the way home from the kebab shop it became apparent that they would need help but it would have to wait until the morning. The department was heaving on the late shift and there wasn’t much chance to sort things out so Hank invited a few of the girls for a drink and when they declined he asked some the less ill patients. So it was that the unlucky pair found themselves at the captains table again the next morning. “Kelly and Mason, what a surprise to see you here again so soon; you really better have a good explanation for last night!”.

“Well sir, we finished work at 21:00 and decided to have a few pints to chill after a stressful day. We then proceeded  up to the stroke unit to see if PO Bawlins fancied a drink but as usual the poof  declined. On the way out we noticed a man sitting outside the unit and he looked quite down so we took him for a drink to cheer him up. Anyway he couldn’t hold his drink could he Bill, he kept spilling it and making a right tit out of us in the pub. What I mean sir is that he couldn’t actually physically hold his drink and when I poured it down his throat the twat just gurgled and spat half of it on the floor. Well we wheeled him out of the pub and as I went to light a fag the wheelchair sort of got away from me and took off at a terrible pace down the hill. I think you know the rest, the coast guard did a great job but the cliff wasn’t that tall and his injuries were relatively minor considering. Also sir LNN Mason did accompany him to A/E and he was seen straight away and the ITU consultant said he should regain the use of his left foot. We honestly had no idea that he was patient on the stroke unit and that’s about it sir.”

The next two months in the glasshouse passed quite quickly and they had time to work out what they would do for charity, a sponsored sleep in aid of the British Under haired Men’s Society. Sponsor forms were drawn up and donations sought. A bed was secured in Littlewoods window and the date set. The plan was to sleep for 72 hours straight, in public and then have a reception to hand over the proceeds at the British legion.

Although it was for charity they  didn’t want to be out done by each other, so a few days before they both went their separate ways to prepare for what was now the talk of the hospital.  Bill started a careful regime in order to ensure maximum tiredness.  He had read about sleep deprivation and the effects of stimulants and sedatives.  He gradually cut down on his sugar intake.  He had read about how bears, prior to hibernation, eat semi digestible matter to act as a sort of butt plug so his body wouldn’t wake up with the need to go the toilet.  The morning of the start of the sleep in he was ready.  He had fleece pyjamas, eye shades earplugs  and lavender soaked handkerchief.  He hadn’t slept for two days.

Hank was late.  They were meant to be in bed for nine o’clock and it was five to already, with no show.  The CO was looking up and down the road and everyone could sense the tension rising.  The CO had arranged for local TV and radio coverage for the start of the event and had had the streets lined with sailors to promote the navy in a good way.

Then at two minutes to nine broken glass and growls could be heard from the building opposite,  then raised voices followed by something being hurled through a window.  A face appeared at the broken window.  It was a balding face of a thickset man who looked very angry. 

“You cheeky Irish bastard.  You’re barred.  If I ever catch you hiding in the toilets of my pub again I’ll kill you!”

The crumpled pale figure staggered up and nonchalantly made his way towards the littlewoods window.

As the man passed the CO it became obvious that it was Hank.  It was obvious to Bill how Hank had been preparing.

“Jeez mate have you been drinking for three days solid”

“wazzat, bastard …look at my hand, aren’t hands amazing.”  then collapsed asleep.

They put Hank in his bed whilst Bill got his pyjamas on. While Bill got ready Hank woke up briefly and changed beds. To great applause Bill took a bow a climbed into the bed. With a sinking feeling he realised that the bed was wet, wet and warm. The dirty bastard he thought. He swamped the bloody bed. Bill sat up and was about to get out when he saw the CO staring at him, he thought better of leaving and sank back into the sodden sheets swearing revenge on the Fat Irish git. Hank was oblivious to all of it, totally out of it as only a drunk can be, he was snoring in minutes whilst Bill suffered. The snoring was bad enough but the sleep farts had to be the worst, what had he eaten? He would never get to sleep at this rate and now the fucker was talking in his sleep. 48 hours later Bill really could take no more. He climbed from the bed, peeled the sheets from his clammy skin, cast a look at Hank, still sleeping like a baby, and headed off for a shower and something to eat.

The next evening Bill had freshened up and got some sleep and was now at the British legion ready for the handing over of the cheque. They had managed to raise over 3000 pounds in all and he was feeling quite proud. At 22:00 Hank still hadn’t appeared and it took them some time to realise that he was still asleep in Littlewoods window. The CO’s driver was sent to get him and in the mean time Bill mingled.

Dishevelled but sprightly Hank jumped from the car a got a rousing round of applause. He sprang up the steps and handed the cheque over before heading to the bar. The CO made a long boring speech about the quality of people in the navy and their ability to care for others only to be interrupted half way through when Bill and Hank rolled through the double doors, punching, scratching and screaming all the obscenities under the sun.” You pissed my bed you twat, and I had to lie in it for 2 whole sodden days”. “Bollocks fella, I pissed my bed and slept in yours so don’t blame me, you slept in my bed!”.

This made Bill pause for thought. Well actually it was his bed so it must have been Bill’s fault after all. He apologised and Hank graciously forgave him and they set off for a pint, best mates again.

Propping up the bar they basked in the glory and adulation surrounding them. As the evening wore on Bill started to feel that he needed a woman in his life and turning on his bar stool scanned the room for likely victims. At that moment an attractive young lady came to the bar and ordered a drink. Twisting round smiling from ear to ear Bill calmly said “your money is no good here”. He paid for her drink and led her to the dance floor and proceeded to woo her with his slick dance moves.

“This really is nice” said Rosey “but I prefer to dance to music”

“No problem came the reply” as Bill headed off in Hanks direction. Two minutes later Rosey was wondering just what she had got herself into. She was slow dancing in his arms whilst Hank followed them around, humming in her ear some daft Irish love song about leprechauns and Siamese twins.

That night Bill gave Rosey some loving whilst Hank shouted instructions from the corner, again Rosey found this quite disconcerting but put up with it, after all Bill had said that he loved her. The following morning Hank made her breakfast and Bill was nowhere to be seen. He eventually reappeared around noon and got down on one knee and proposed. Totally shocked she felt that she could do nothing but accept. Bill then pulled a set of keys from his pocket and gave her them saying that he had bought a house for them to live in and they should have four children and a dog.