next bit

“A fucking mentor! me! you daft fat cunt knob gobshite .I don’t have the fucking time to mentor some fucking poof  student bastard nurse”. Matron turned her eyes to heaven, god knows she wouldn’t inflict him on anyone if she didn’t have to but times were hard and there really was no one else to facilitate the new navy staff nurse in A/E. “He is not a student Hank he is a newly qualified nurse and just needs an eye kept on him, you know the sort of thing. “Bastard, you fucking cunt faced bitch, I’ll watch the twat but I don’t fucking like it and wont be held responsible for him cocking up….you twat.”

A lovable rogue she thought to herself, his vocabulary was slightly stunted but he had that twinkle in his eye and a cheeky grin and he had after all shagged her once when she was very drunk; actually she wasn’t sure that she had consented but well he was a rogue wasn’t he. Hank stomped off down the corridor to begin his mentorship.3 minutes later the mentoring was finished .Bill knew where resus was and the coffee room and was coming on tonight’s run ashore.”reflect on that you cunt” Hank thought to himself.

The young nurse approached Hank with two steaming cups of coffee.  They’d been at work for two hours.  It was a big day and the entire department had been reinvented for an expected increase in patient attendances.  Today was the day of the solar eclipse and Plymouth was expecting a mass exodus of tourists coming to visit.  Extra staff had been laid on and the A&E department had been converted to receive major casualties only.  Hank and Bill were working in a department that had been prepared to accept only minor casualties.  A waiting room with one hundred chairs had been set up.  The problem was the department was empty.  The plan was not needed and so all the preparations had been in vain.  Hank and Bill were bored.

“this is fucking shite.”  Bill had only known Hank for two hours and already had grown accustomed to his outbursts of profanities.  “do you play golf?”

“well yes I played before I joined up with my dad,  why do you fancy a game sometime Hank?”

“yeah I do.  Now.  You sort out the clubs and I’ll sort out a ball.”

Hank walked away,  was he serious?  Did he really think of playing golf in the department.  When Hank returned he’d fashioned a bandage into a ball and used a roll of surgical tape to keep its spherical form.

“where the fucks the clubs?”

He was serious,  Bill went off to the supply cupboard and came back with two crutches.  That was the first afternoon working as a navy nurse in the a&e department.  They hit the ball in turns playing it wherever it fell stopping every so often to go for a cigarette, a ‘tab’ as Hank put it.  When Hank said they would play wherever the ball lay, he meant it.  At one point Bill was stood on a trolley, they played through the theatre department during an operation, even one shot from the ladies toilets.  Bill was getting a good idea of how Hank ticked.  He had an attitude that showed 100% confidence and zero tolerance for timewasters, lazy bastards and hypocrites.  Yet everyone thought he was always joking.  When the consultant surgeon started shouting at Bill for playing a shot in the theatre, Hank told him to get a ‘fucking life’ and the guy just laughed and said what a  great character he was.  That is what everyone thought.  No one wanted to be unpopular and so no one ever questioned him.

“Right shipwreck, there’s a run ashore when we finish work, are you still coming?”

“Sure, so who is going Hank?”

“well at the moment fella there is you, me and well that’s about it.  But we’ll go straight after work.  We finish at three and we’re on a late tomorrow so we should be ok for that.”

“right I’ll have to get changed first.  Do you drive to work or do you need a lift?”

“changed? what for? We’ll go as we are.”

“we can’t go out in uniform!”  already Bill knew the answer was no, but Hank wouldn’t care.

“so what? We get caught? What are they gonna do? Make us pregnant? I don’t think so mate.  Besides you’re not in the navy proper until you’ve been charged, plus with going out in uniform there’s the added bonus of more drinking time, no changing after work, and wake up tomorrow and your ready the late shift straight away.  VDT mate, VDT.”

“VDT?”

“Valuable Drinking Time”

That morning they where stood to attention in front of the CO, pissed unshaven and stinking of beer.  Hank had half of a kebab in his hand and Bill had a balloon.  Neither of them could remember the night before.

The CO shouting didn’t help the hangovers.

“An absolute disgrace the pair of you.  LNN Kelly I expect you to show the new joiners a good example.  Not to be found carrying a guide dog for the blind collection box through a graveyard at three o’clock in the morning singing  ‘please release me let me go’.”

“Sir,” said Hank, “To be fair we were only taking the dog for a walk, it seemed like the right thing to do.”

“well that’s it you have five days confined to camp, three extra shifts each and fined £200.”  It was at this point Hank got on his knees and began looking under the desk.

“On your feet man, what the hell do you think you’re doing!”

“I’m looking for some justice underneath the table sir, coz there’s fuck all coming over it” Bill started to laugh but it upset his stomach and consequently vomited over the desk.

“Well would you believe it,” said Hank getting to his knees. “there is some justice after all.

They were let out of the cells two weeks later, firm friends.